My pet humped that table harder than I've EVER seen before. I hate to think where the splinters ended up...

Metaphysical Demon: You like that b***h? Say my name, yeah say it. Yeah, that's what daddy likes to here

Table: ......

Belamorte: Mmmm-MM! that table's gonna have a hard time sitting down tomorrow

Metaphysical Demon (smacks the table high on the leg): Evoke THIS baby! 200 more to my hump rating!

Belamorte (taking a seat on the couch and frantically waving its tentacles): Yeah! Yeah! get 'em demon! ooooo yeah. You so crazy.

Thedeacon (Desperately trying to shoot Veteran Enforcer at point blank range...and missing): Veteran Enforcer, you're a total 'sploiter! I have the barrel of my gun INSIDE your buttcheeks. How can I be missing?

Veteran Enforcer: Because j00 suXx0r f00. Only a gimp could miss me with half the barrel of an x-3 rifle tickling my colon. But a better question is. Why isn't that pink iguana and the floating testicle helping you?

Thedeacon: right on, Veteran Enforcer. Hold up a sec (walks into the next room) Hey, what the hell are you guys doi---JESUS CHRIST!

Metaphysical Demon (zips his lizard skin up): WOAH hey....deacon! glad to see you

Thedeacon: Dude.

Veteran Enforcer (stops clubbing deacon): Dude.

Belamorte (tentacles immediately going into a slack position) um...yeah. Duuuuude. BAD demon!

Metaphysical Demon: this...isn't what it looks like

Table: ......

Thedeacon: ......

Veteran Enforcer: OMG! Veteran Manhunter, you GOTTA come see this! No, not you, Veteran Manhunter, the other one. Yeah, I know, it happens to me too. No no, not you either. The OTHER Vete--BOB, damnit. Get Bob's ass over here and check this out!

Thedeacon (grabbing Metaphysical Demon by the ear and walking him to the entrance) And don't tell me you're genderless. I've seen the zipper before. Yes sir, I've seen it...

Metaphysical Demon: It's the evocation nano! it MADE me do it! Gimme another fix baby. I'll follow you this time, I won't hump....that...SEXY table (gives the table a wink and nods his head). cmon deac, one fix. JUST ONE (smacks the crook of his arm where deacon sees a long line of needle track marks)

Thedeacon: Step number one is admitting you have a problem.



Part TWO of the continuing saga of a man, his pets and some suspiciously sticky furniture.

Place: Tir, by the grid. The OLD grid, not the new grid.

Metaphysical Demon (visibly shaking): Deacon, I’m NOT addicted to evocation buffs. I can TOTALLY quit anytime dude. Just need…one…more.

Thedeacon: Look at you, you’re a mess! You’re walking into walls and you can’t hit anything when you fight!

Metaphysical Demon: Um, Deacon? Are you new here? I’ve always walked into walls and the last thing I hit was a leet…And that was by accident.

Thedeacon: …You got a point there.

Metaphysical Demon, clearly agitated, makes a play for Deacon’s ncu belt

Thedeacon: Woah! Holy s**t man, I spent time in prison, but the door does NOT usually swing that way unless there’s money or food involved!

Metaphysical Demon: Need…Evocation…Nano…Pink elephant…dancing..

Thedeacon (wrapping his arms around his pet): Awww, there there. It’s going to be okay, you just need the love and support of your fami—


Thedeacon: Don’t make me take a switch to your hinder mister. What do I look like to you, a buff machine?

Metaphysical Demon: …….

Belamorte: ……

Level 175MA: Gimme mokies, b***h.

Thedeacon: Yeah sur—wait. I’m not giving you jack, buddy. I’m trying to teach my pets a lesson about not giving into the needs of others, just because they demand it. Friendship is based on love and trust not---

Level 175MA: Shutup and gimme the mokies, or I’ll rawk you in the arena with my uberness.

Thedeacon looks at Metaphysical Demon, who in turn looks at Belamorte..


Metaphysical Demon: HAHAHAHA Oh please, no more, you’re killing me!

Belamorte (rolling on the ground): HAHAHAHAHA That’s a good one!

Thedeacon: Dude, did you forget what patch this was or something? It’s 14.7.1. You’re a gimp now.

Level 175MA: Oh that’s the kettle calling the pot black, petboy. At least I can still get a team.

Belamorte: Ooooh, he has a point there, Deacon.

Thedeacon: …I could…if I wanted to. But hey wait. Aren’t you the guy that got spanked by an enforcer’s damage shield? Oh yeah, now I remember you. Then that fixer snared you and it took you fifteen minutes to run out of the arena. Don’t you remember me? I’m the guy that pulled your pants down and smacked your butt until you cried like a little girl. Loser. Go stand in the corner with the engineers and…um…Metaphysicists.

Level 175MA (lips trembling): *sniff* You guys are really mean. I—I—
*runs off crying*

Metaphysical Demon furrows his brow seriously at Deacon and Belamorte crosses his tentacles sternly

All three together: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Thedeacon: *guffaw* heh, that was good. But there’s still the problem of your addiction, Metaphysical Demon. We could see a good doctor, but we all know they are ninja looting, overpriced bloodsuckers….We need cashflow…Where to get cash…

Clan Shopping 100+: RandomEngie: Tipping well for mochies MC/TS. Dear God, someone help me.

Metaphysical Demon: Yes, where WILL we get cash….
Clan shopping 100+: RandomEngie: PAYING for Mocham’s gift. I hate life.

Thedeacon: Yes…money…How to make it…

Clan Shopping 100+: ALOT. Paying that is. And hating my life.

Belamorte: Um, guys?

Clan Shopping 100+: RandomEngie: Maybe you misunderstood me…PAYING. For. Mochies. Need. Metaphysicist. Someone. Kill. Me.

Belamorte: Deacon…

Thedeacon: Quiet, Belamorte! We’re trying to think here!

Belamorte: ….

Thedeacon: Eureka! I know what to do and it’s brilliant enough to work! We’ll CHARGE for our buffs!

Belamorte: ….

Thedeacon: Now to advertise a little…

Thedeacon reaches into his subspace inventory and produces a pad of paper and a Notum™ marker and begins scrawling words

Thedeacon: Belamorte, hold onto this sign and wave it in front of anyone that passes by.

Belamorte: Cute, jackass. Did you miss the part where I have NO HANDS?

Thedeacon: I miss nothing, which is why I never leave home without a handy roll of---Where the hell is my tape? Metaphysical Demon, did you sell it for an evocation nano?

Metaphysical Demon (whistles innocently): What, who me? Oh sure, blame the demon. You lose your tape, you blame the demon. You die while I’m….having relations with furniture, you blame the demon. Sticky table leg, you blame the demon. It was the inventory gnome…I swear it!

Inventory Gnome: Don’t even TRY and pin this on me, evocation junkie. I’ve been out of a job since 14.7.1 and resorted to selling my body to Enforcers. And we all know what freaks they are, with their 2 handed blunt weapons. My God, I haven’t sat down in a week! You don’t even wanna know what happens when they cast rage! Oh and Challenger. Oh God. Ow. Talk about a loosemeat sammich!

Metaphysical Demon (hands Thedeacon a roll of ICC approved Notum tape): Okay okay. I took your lousy tape, but I wasn’t going to sell it. I ran out of bikini wax for my---

Thedeacon: I got the point! ---And I must say, I’ve always wondered how you kept so baby smooth down there. Let me—

Metaphysical Demon (smacking away Thedeacon’s hand): Hey! No getting fresh unless an evocation is involved, buddy. We got work to do.

Thedeacon peels a long strip of tape, but finds the Notum strands difficult to cut

Metaphysical Demon: Here, let me cut that for you with my powerful flesh rendering claws.

Thedeacon: Yeah, you actually cut something. Oh that’s rich buddy. 10 credits says you miss the tape roll entirely.
Metaphysical Demon: That’s it, I think I’ve heard enough of your crap for one day, mister!

Thedeacon looks down to see the words “You are being attacked by Metaphysical Demon” hang in thin air.

Metaphysical Demon: It’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re wearing Milkbone underwear! Blood!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
You parried the attack from Metaphysical Demon!

Metaphysical Demon: Woah! I cry foul! You know damn well you’ve never put IP into parry!

Thedeacon: Quiet down while I r0Xx0r j00r B0Xx0rs!

Attacking Metaphysical Demon
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage

Thedeacon: HOLY S**T! Dude, you cut me!

Metaphysical Demon: And there’s more where that came from, hookah! Time to catch a beatdown, gimpy!

Thedeacon: Pfft, you hit like a martial artist! Belamorte, heal me!

Belamorte: Yes master! Hold still while I squirt my healing juices on you!

Thedeacon: Ew. I always have to wash my hair when you do that. Sometime I’ll have to ask you what exactly it is you’re squirting on me and why it smells so bad.

Belamorte: you’re bald.

Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage

Thedeacon: Good point. But hey wait, you’re not healing me! Help, damnit!

Belamorte: I’m sorry master, I am unable to do that

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!
Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage
Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage

Thedeacon: WTF? Dude, heal me!

Belamorte: I’m sorry master, I am unable to do that. Hehe.

Thedeacon (running frantically in circles, arms waving): HEEEEEEAAAAALLLL!

Belamorte (tentacles covering a snickering mouth): *giggle* I’m sorry master, I am *snicker* unable to do that. Hehe really, I can’t.



Omni Metaphysicist: Thedeacon? You there? I was wondering if your pet was available for a little hanky spanky? I just bought this new QL200 Golfe Prod and I…yknow. I’ll cast evocation on him twice if he can get here before the Viagra wears off.

To Omni Metaphysicist: What the hell? Listen pal, this is the thirtieth tell I’ve gotten in the past hour and I’m gonna tell you like I told the others. If anyone is gonna evoke MY Metaphysical Demon, it’s gonna be me! Now sod off!

Omni Metaphysicist: Well from what I heard, you ain’t been putting out.

To Omni Metaphysicist:’ve had a headache lately. You know, behind the sinuses.

Omni Metaphysicist: Uh huh. That’s what I used to say too. Need to borrow my Viagra?

Thedeacon: Only Omnis need Viagra.

Thedeacon: Metaphysical Demon, listen. Just because I don’t evoke you all the time doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You don’t need to go to other Metaphysicists. You’ll see that my evocations are even sweeter when you have to wait. Sometimes I just need to be held (outstretches his arms).

Metaphysical Demon: Don’t give me that “I have needs too” crap, Deacon. I’m an 8 foot tall naked demon. You don’t think there’s Hentai fans on this planet that might want to get to know me better and give me a little evocation when their wives are away? And don’t get me started on Belamorte’s tentacles. I need to be evoked and I need it now! If you don’t have the goods, I’ll get it from someone that does.

Thedeacon: It’s not tha—hey, what are all those Band-Aids doing all over your---

Metaphysical Demon: Last night I tried to Evoke myself. I have claws Deacon. Claws.

Thedeacon: Ouch. Well anyways, I spoke to a Doctor about your condition and we both agree that this Evocation addiction is a nefarious plot by the evil Omni Tek Corporation (tm). We must stop them.

Belamorte: …And what the hell would lead you to such a moronic conclusion, may I ask?

Thedeacon: Well isn’t everything a nefarious plot by the evil Omni Tek Corporation (tm)?

Belamorte: Good point. To the mission terminals we go.

Thedeacon: But my dear Belamorte, this is a dangerous mission we are about to embark on. We’re going to need brave souls to journey with us to our faraway destination and do battle to overthrow the tyrants! Victory shall be ours!

Belamorte: Ben Hur?

Thedeacon: Actually I was going for a bit of Kirk Douglas in “Spartacus”.

Belamorte: You’ve been eating the mushrooms in the back of the fridge again, haven’t you?

Thedeacon: I—well, I…..Just one.

Enforcer shouts: TEAM 150+ LFM!

Thedeacon: Quiet guys! I think I may have just found us a team. Look tough or something.

Thedeacon (clearing his throat) shouts: 177 MP LFG!

Belamorte: Deacon, how are you able to pronounce “lfg” and “lfm”?

Thedeacon: It’s pronounced “liffug” and “liffum”. Everyone loves me, so we should get invited to a team any second now.


Enforcer shouts: TEAM 150+ LFM!

Thedeacon (voice growing hoarse) shouts: 177 MP LFG!

Belamorte: Just an observation, but there IS still a ‘Liffug’ chat channel isn’t there?

Thedeacon: Only complete n00bs use the LFG channels. And we’re not n00bs, are we?

Belamorte (mumbles something about Deacon needing a common sense buff)


Thedeacon shouts: *GASP* 177…MP…*wheeze* LFG

Enforcer shouts: Is NOBODY here looking for a team?

Thedeacon: I AM!

Enforcer: Nobody? Oh well, I guess we go with five then.

Thedeacon: I AM LFG!

Enforcer: Heya Thedeacon!

Belamorte: Finally! My tentacles were starting to grow mold.

Enforcer: Could you hit me with BM and MC mokies? I’m about to go on a mission.

Thedeacon: ….

Belamorte (sighs): Well I guess we’re going solo….again

Thedeacon: Yes. Again. They didn’t invite us because they knew we’d just outshine them with our amazing powers, right?

Belamorte (sarcastically): Yeah, that’s it.

Our trio walks over to the nearest mission terminal and after much cajoling, finds a suitable mission, the reward being a set of hot pink underwear.

Thedeacon: Oooooh! Panties! That would go great with my….Um, let’s go. This mission is in a faraway land called Broken Shores. I think you’ll like it there. They have this big pyram—

Metaphysical Demon: We know the place. We go there twelve times a day, every day, remember?

Thedeacon (looks around noticing for the first time that the Tir Grid Terminal is missing): Where’s the grid terminal at today?

Belamorte: Last night it was underwater, but people were actually able to find it, so they moved it outside of the city, where nobody in their right mind would think to look. Whoever thinks of these ideas needs a good hard spanking.

At the south gate…..

Metaphysical Demon: Why are you just standing at the gate Deacon? Go ahead, walk through it.

Thedeacon: I am, it’s just---Well I’m trying to. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to walk through an open doorway. I think I’ll just stand here in a frozen position for a few more minutes and think about how to take the next step.

-----Playshift error PF17690------

Belamorte: Woah, who just said that?

Thedeacon: I smell a nefarious plot by the evil Omni-Tek Corporation ™. Let me try again.

-----Playshift error PF17690------

Thedeacon: What the hell? Why can’t I go outside?

A small Opifex woman in black appears next to Thedeacon

ARK-Clueless: Greetings traveler, how may I be of assistance?

Thedeacon: Does it look like I’m traveling to you? I’m stuck inside of an open doorway. I can’t remember how to walk outside.

ARK-Clueless: Hmmm. Have you tried going outside and coming back in to see if that fixes the problem?

Thedeacon: Listen lady, that’s my problem. I can’t leave the friggin’ city!

ARK-Clueless: Have you tried reinstalling Windows?

Thedeacon: My apartment doesn’t have windows. It’s a dirt room with a cactus and some porno mags.

ARK-Clueless: Are you running Linux with Wine?

Thedeacon: I’m not sure who this Linux person is, but if I had some wine I’d be getting drunk right about now instead of standing in this open doorway.

ARK-Clueless: Do you have the latest drivers?

Thedeacon: I treat my plane like I do my woman. Only one man drives them. Me

ARK-Clueless: *cough* and the guy working the Mongo Meat stand *cough*

Thedeacon: I tried to let Metaphysical demon drive once, but he took a crap in the pilot’s seat.

ARK-Clueless: Um, thank you for sharing that.

Thedeacon: Hey, how come your name’s green and mine is white?

ARK-Clueless: My name’s not green, it’s Maria and your name is Thedeacon. Sheesh, lay off the stims pal. Hmm, apparently my worthless and misinformed information has not helped you. I’m really batting a thousand. Think I’ll completely ditch you in your time of need now and waste a few minutes of someone else’s time. May the twin suns shine brightly on your back! (disappears)

Thedeacon: Yeah, screw you too.

After twelve fruitless attempts, Thedeacon remembers how to walk outside and within minutes is whisked away to the faraway land of Broken Shores.

Thedeacon: Well guys, this is good ol’ BS.

Belamorte: It sure is. Complete and total BS. Say, why is everyone walking funny and falling into the water?

Thedeacon: Hmm, the weather didn’t call for a lag storm today.

Metaphysical Demon: Lag? What’s that?

Thedeacon: Well, since Broken Shores is so far away from Tir, time moves differently here. The world, um…revolves slower or something. But the officials have said that it’s our bodies that revolve slower and is in no way caused by the world.

Belamorte: That’s complete and total BS.

Thedeacon: No, *this* is BS. That’s Funcom.

Belamorte: Are you BSing me?

Thedeacon: Nope, no BS.

Belamorte: But I thought you said this was BS?

Thedeacon: This *is* BS.

Belamorte: That’s what I’m saying! Now cut the BS and let’s get to this mission.

Thedeacon: Watch that sassy mouth mister.

Thedeacon takes a step and immediately falls into the water thirty feet away

Thedeacon: Total BS. Guys, give me a hand. I never put IP into swimming.

Metaphysical Demon: Me either, but somehow I’m able to walk on top of the water. Demons must be excluded from the laws of gravity.

Belamorte: I’d give you my tentacle to hold on to, but your fat ass needs to lay off the Bronto Burgers ™. Maybe a nice swim will trim those child bearing hips of yours down, Deacon.

Thedeacon: Screw that, I’ll just get into my plane. It’s here in my pocket somewhere….

Metaphysical Demon: You have a PLANE in your POCKET?

Thedeacon: Yes I do. And it’s not necessary to speak in caps, Metaphysical Demon.

Metaphysical Demon: I don’t own a cap and even I know that nothing comes of talking into a hat. So about this plane….How do you get it in your pocket?

Thedeacon: The nanobots. It’s the nanobots…

Thedeacon enters his plane and hovers high above the water

Belamorte: Master? Where are you?

Metaphysical Demon: Master? Where are you?

Thedeacon: Right above you, dumbass. Here, hop on.

Belamorte: That’s okay, Deacon. We’ll just follow you and just kinda….jump into the air every ten seconds or so to make sure you don’t forget us.

At the mission entrance….

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Thedeacon: Who the hell keeps saying that?

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?
Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Thedeacon: How could I have an old key? I only have one.

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Thedeacon: I already said I only have one. Now let me in, whoever you are!

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?
Unable to enter. Are you using a---oh. Only one? Damn. Alright, come in.

Thedeacon: That’s better. Damn. I forgot how to enter buildings again. I think I’ll just stand here at the entrance again for a few minutes.

Playshift PF:324577 error *giggle*


Thedeacon: LET ME IN!

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Thedeacon: That’s it, I’m blasting the door down…

Belamorte: Right on, Deac! Here, use your Custom Heavy Supressor!

Thedeacon: Um, I don’t know how.

Belamorte: Just put it in your hand and pull the trigger.

Thedeacon: That sounds complicated to use….

Belamorte: It’s a GUN, damnit! A gun! Gun…in…hand….finger…on…trigger…

Thedeacon: Wait, you’re going too fast with these instructions!

Belamorte: First, take off your rifle.

Thedeacon: No, I never take off my rifle. Not even when I shower. If I take it off, I’m not going to remember how to put it back on. Last time I took it off, the weapons shopkeeper to help me remember how to put it back on. You know, there’s a rumor that the shopkeeper eats babies….


Belamorte: You can’t figure out how to put a gun on? And here I thought that Nanomages has green intelligence….

Metaphysical Demon: Master, my life force is leaving me…..



Narrator: Is this the end of Metaphysical Demon? Will Thedeacon ever get inside his mission? Will Belamorte find true love? Find out next time!!!!

Thedeacon: Dude, can’t you see I’m mourning the death of my pet here? Go away.

Narrator: Oops, sorry Thedeacon. My condolences on your loss.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (slowly walks the perimeter of a large greenish colored room): Say, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist, what is it exactly that we’re supposed to be doing here?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Don’t you remember, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? I lost my contact lense and we’re all going to walk around this room until we find it.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: You’d think these Waitt helmets that Omni Pol gave us would make it impossible for a contact to fall on the ground, but they always seem to find a way.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: True dat. But do we really need all four of us to look? Why don’t you two keep searching while Veteran Omni Metaphysicist and I play Frisbee with our shields. Catch, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Whee!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grabs Veteran Omni Metaphysicist by his shirt): Listen damnit! I won’t have you shirking your duties on MY watch! You think I want to be stuck in this godforsaken room walking the perimeter for the rest of my life in omni issued armor? Have you been outside lately, man? Have you seen what they’re wearing? MK armor! Primus! Goddamned Nano armor! What am I wearing, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? Oh God help me, what am I weariiiiiing?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (holds Veteran Omni Metaphysicist in his arms): Shhh, it’s alright honey. We’ll make it as long as we’re together…

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Holy s**t, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist is a homo!!!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: We’re all wearing bright blue hip hugging armor with hot pink shields. Aren’t we all—uh oh. Dude, I think I just found your contact. (lifts his boot up)

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: So yeah, we follow orders and all, but what exactly are we supposed to be guarding here? Some new secret weapon that will vanquish our enemies and bring a new era of prosperity to Omni Tek corporation ™?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Hot pink panties.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (with an air of wonder in his eyes): Hot pink panties! W00t!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Calm yourself, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist. These are no ordinary hot pink panties. These are EXPIRIMENTAL hot pink panties created by our expert Omni technicians. These hot pink panties are too powerful for one man alone to wield. Should these hot pink panties fall into the wrong hands, it shall spell certain doom for us all! We’ve been assigned to protect these experimental hot pink panties until such time that they are no longer experimental hot pink panties, but regular hot pink panties.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Only if you watch me put them on. Where’d you put them?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh, I just sorta tossed them on the floor two rooms to the north of us.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: On the floor? We’re risking our lives for pink panties and you couldn’t even have the sense to put them in a safe or a friggin lockbox?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Well Cloudeh screwed up the economy so badly that a locked safe now costs somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 million credits and only drops from a big dragon in the bottom of a castle.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Check the Sunday paper for credit saving coupons. I swear safes were on sale at Office Depot.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: You clip coupons? Homo.

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Is he at it again? God, I thought he was done three hours ago when he hyperventilated and passed out.

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: 198 Engi LFG! I have a slayer!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Pffft, your slayer is gray to me, gimp.

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: Well it wouldn’t be if you had hooked me up with mokies when I asked you too. C’mon guys, I don’t want to lose my title if I get killed. I just made Veteran last week!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Title farmer! Anyways, teaming doesn’t affect pvp points anymore, buddy. Looks like SOMEone didn’t read the 14.7 patch notes. Besides, I don’t want an engi in MY team.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, your contact lense is squished, so why are we still walking back and forth?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: This is called “high level content”. Keep walking. There literally is nothing else to do on this planet.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Did you hear that?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist and Veteran Omni Metaphysicist together: Hear what?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Shhh! Oh God, I think they’re coming.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: I think I heard it too. Quick! Pull your pants up Veteran Omni Metaphysicist, there’s no time for your sweet loving!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: OMG! Veteran Omni Metaphysicist IS a homo!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: No I’m not! It’s just---sometimes when four men are secluded with nobody but each other for compa—

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Mmmm, honey.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: DUDE!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh God, not again. Every day, we walk around this room, minding our own business and a bunch of clanners burst through the unlocked door to our secret hideout and murder us. I just can’t take it anymore!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (smacks Veteran Omni Metaphysicist across the helmet): Hold it together, damn you! We’re going to live this time! God knows if some n00b asks me for mokies ten seconds after I hit the reclaim pad, somebody is going to get hurt (as soon as I get a wrangle to get a halfway respectable attack rating). We just need to formulate a plan.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Plan?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Yes (pulls a map of Newland, a cactus and a rollerrat from his pants pocket). First, we need Veteran Omni Techhunter to put these items in a secure chest and lock it. Are you hearing me, Veteran Omni Techhunter?

Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: Right on boss! I’m liking this plan already!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, the map of Newland is explainable, but what’s up with the cactus and the rollerrat in your pants?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (lets out a sigh of pleasure): I highly recommend that you try it sometime.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.

Veteran Omni Techhunter (carrying three large treasure chests): Where shall I hide our valuable treasure? Some secret place those clever clanners will never find them (cackles madly)

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Actually, you can set the first one right in this main room in plain sight and the other two somewhere in some nonsensical obvious location that defeats the entire purpose of having them in chests in the first place.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, so let me get this straight. We put the cactus in a locked chest and our secret pink panties weapon lying on the floor?

Veteran Omni Techhunter: This must have to do with the fact that our multi-billion credit hideout does not come equipped with closets, right?

Veteran Omni Techhunter: As usual, you’re as short sighted as you are…..short sighted. They’re sure to have a doctor with them and we all know what bloodsucking ninja looters they are. We distract the doctor with Phat Lewt ™ while we pick off the rest of the team. And if that doesn’t work, my sweet little love rat here will take care of them. Isn’t that right, precious?


Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: He looks frightened. Maybe you shouldn’t be sticking him down your pants like that.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: The fools will never understand our love, ratty. Now get into the box!

Frightened Rollerrat: SQUWEEEEEEEEE ----

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Think he’ll run out of air in there?

Veteran Omni Techhunter: I never thought about that. Um…maybe I should poke holes in the box?

Frightened Rolerrat: squ—*wheeze*

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of Philip Ross. Why, just the name makes me….mmmmm.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude…

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, the part about the chests makes sense in a retarded sort of way, but that still doesn’t explain why our top secret experimental panties are lying on the floor.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: The way I figure, if they get past us, I couldn’t really give a damn if they get the panties.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quiet everyone! I hear them buffing in the next room. Everyone take your places!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Places?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Er, walk around the room some more. Omni Tek isn’t paying us to just stand here.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Yes. They are paying us to walk around aimlessly, oblivious to the noise in the room ten feet away from us.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Exactly.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: I want a raise.


Thedeacon: WHYYYYYYYYYY!!! So young! So vital! So---

Zylina: What in the hell are you babbling about?

Thedeacon: *sniff* It’s my demon. He’s….he’s dead!!!

Zylina: You idiot. You’re pets die just about every hour. You just have to recast them…Damn this rock in my shoe.

Thedeacon: I get rocks in my shoes all the ti---Oh my God.

Belamorte: Oh my God.

Zylina slips off her MK boots to reveal a soft, lightly tanned bare foot with the smoothest skin Thedeacon has ever seen. Each edible toe is capped with neatly trimmed toenails with just a light brush of clear enamel gloss. Her high arches served to elegantly accentuate her smoothly rounded heel.

Belamorte: Deacon! Pull your pants back up!

Zylina: Yeah, as I was saying, all you have to do is recast the pet you noob. Why are you staring at me…like…

Thedeacon: Sore feet….must rub….sore feet…

Belamorte: Deacon, please massage my tentacles…
Zylina: Um…What are you doing with that two handed creation weapon? Nobody uses those anym---that’s not a creation weapon is it?

Thedeacon (winks): That all depends…

Zylina runs away, leaving her boot behind and immediately falls into the water by the grid terminal. Thedeacon sniffs the pleasant aroma and puts the boot in his infinite storage pocket.

Zylina shouts: DAMNED LAG!

Thedeacon (smiling blissfully): ….

Belamorte: Snap out of it! I think she was onto something with that whole “recasting” business. Give it a whirl Deac.

Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal, master!

Thedeacon (smiling blissfully): ……

Metaphysical Demon: Master? Deacon?

Belamorte: DEACON!!!!

Thedeacon: Right! Oh, yes! We have a mission to complete my trustworthy comanions!


Thedeacon: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You guys wait right here and I’m going to line up a perfect sniping shot with my trusty X-3 rifle and blow the head off of one of those guys.

Thedeacon hunches way down and raises his arms slightly

Belamorte: Deacon! I told you to use the bathroom before we left! Oh geez, it’s going to be a number 2 isn’t it? Quick Metaphysical Demon, grab Deacon’s rubber pants and a pooper scooper!

Thedeacon: No, it’s not that, I’m going into sneak mode so they won’t be able to detect me. I’m invisible right now.

Metaphysical Demon: I can see you. It looks like you’re about to take a dump on the floor….again.

Thedeacon stands up straight

Thedeacon: Wow, that takes a lot out of a guy. I won’t be able to do that again for another 10 seconds.

Thedeacon hunches over again

Thedeacon: How about now?

Belamorte: I can see you plain as day.

Thedeacon: I’m going to keep trying this until it works.

Belamorte: Oh god we’re going to be here all day…

Thedeacon lifts his arms up again and thrusts his buttocks out farther than before

Thedeacon: Now! I’ve got my butt stuck out so far you’d think Ru Paul was in our team. Am I invisible.

Belamorte (floats back and forth, waving his tentacles in the air): Um…yeah…invisible you are….Deacon? Where’s Deacon? I don’t see him, he is invisible to me…

Metaphysical Demon: But—

Belamorte whispers: Dude, shutup and play along!

Thedeacon remains hunched over and creeps towards the door..

You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
Cannot complete action, monster is aware of your presence

Thedeacon: Damnit

You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
Cannot complete action, monster is aware of your presence

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: You, over there in the foyer. We DO detect your presence!

Thedeacon shouts: No you don’t!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Yes we do!

Thedeacon shouts: How can you detect my presence? I haven’t even opened the door to the main room yet!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Well how were you going to do an aimed shot on me when you haven’t opened the door yet?

Thedeacon shouts: Good point. Here, lemme try again.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Nope, I still detect your presence.

Thedeacon shouts: Damnit! Well okay smart guy, if you detect my presence, then why aren’t you running in here to attack me?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: He’s got you there, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, I say we rush him. But whatever you do, don’t run. I just waxed the floor and it might be a bit slippery…

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Okay, you asked for it. We’re going to run in there and attack you now!

Thedeacon shouts: Okies, I’ll just send my pet out to fight you guys first while I cower like a girl in the foyer.

Metaphysical Demon: WHAT????

Narrator: Will Metaphysical Demon get evoked? Will Thedeacon capture the most powerful pair of panties in the known universe? Find out in chapter five, entitled: “LSD – Lag spikes and Disconnects”



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist whispers: You know what, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? I think there’s only one of them out there.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Hey you in the foyer! How many in your team?

Thedeacon shouts: Only m---

Belamorte (tugs at Thedeacon’s shoulder): OMG Deacon. Take a deep breath and think before you answer. You’re a gimp—er, nanomage. You have green Intelligence, right? Really think about what you are about to say.

Thedeacon closes his eyes tightly shut and clenches both fists, straining, while gears turn and lights light inside his superior nanomind.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Um, it’s been like ten minutes and my essence is about to wear off. I say, how many in your team?

Thedeacon’s eyes light up and for a split second, a nanobulb may have appeared over his head.

Thedeacon shouts: Only me! I’m completely all alone here!

Belamorte (covering his eye/mouth hole and groaning): Jesus. I swear you’re a really skinny Atrox sometimes.

Thedeacon: Ah, but my dear Belamorte. Notice I didn’t mention my pets to them!

Belamorte: But you did!!! At the end of chapter four!!!

Thedeacon (flips back several pages): Oh.

Thedeacon shouts: No wait guys, I was wrong there. There’s um, and enforcer and a couple of Martial Artists and some traders…and stuff…Oh, and a doc!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: See? They have a doc! The chests WERE a good idea!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude that’s bogus. I maxed out my perception last level and you know I have that QL200 perception cluster in my ear. I swear to Mocham he’s alone out there. I don’t detect anyone else.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (mockingly): “I don’t detect anyone else. I’m just oh so uber with my lousy ear implant”

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh God, there he goes again about his stupid perception implant again. Let’s hear all about the extra 105 points of perception you got. Come on, come on, we’re all riveted to your every word.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Hey you out there in the foyer, do you have room for another MP? These guys totally suck and together we could their asses. I have a ql200 Perception implant, you should invite me!

Thedeacon shouts: No I’m soloi—(smacked by Belamorte) er, I mean my team doesn’t want your gimpy ass. Besides, you screw up my tabbing if I invite you…er, if my TEAM invites you.

Metaphysical Demon: Our team is totally going to pwn those guys!

Belamorte: ….

Thedeacon: Hells yeah. Essence plzzzz. Wrangle plzzz. Someone gimme essence and RRFE plzzzz.

Belamorte: ……

Metaphysical Demon: Oooh, get an ncu buff too, Deacon.

Belamorte (waves his tentacles madly): You sick little monkey! We have no team! You made that up, remember?

Thedeacon: Oh. (looks around). Damn. Well I better invite that Veteran Omni Metaphysicist so that we have some backup.

Belamorte (smacks himself in the forehead): It’s a trick! Don’t invite him, he’ll only ninja loot the boss like all Omnis do.

Thedeacon: But his ear implant!!!

Belamorte: If you invite him I swear I’m going to tell everyone how you needed the help of two men to get your pants on last week.

Thedeacon: That was a long time ago and I’m not even overequipped on these pants anymore. I was just a little short on stamina, strength and Agility. And besides, nothing else happened. Just two guys buffing me into my pants.

Belamorte: Well it’s funny how ALL THREE of you had your pants off when I went to check on you. I won’t even go into how you were playing with their Wen-Wens.

Thedeacon: You wouldn’t

Belamorte: Oh yes I would.

Thedeacon: Okies, new plan. Um, get em Demon!

Metaphysical Demon: Woah, wait a second Deacon. Can we discuss this ‘plan’ of yours? I mean, I just got my nails done and—

Thedeacon: Don’t be a wuss dude. Just run in there and kinda….***** slap every few seconds.

Metaphysical Demon: Or we could go home and watch porn on the Gridstream.

Thedeacon: Oh make no mistakes, we’re gonna do that too. Later though. It’ll be real sexy, we’ll get some wine and a big jar of mayo. I got some hot pictures of a *real* oak table for you. NAKED wood. I just need you to senselessly slaughter a few people first.

Metaphysical Demon: Mmmmm. Oak. As tempting as that is, there’s no way I’m going in there.

Thedeacon: Not even for an Evocation ?

Metaphysical Demon: Ruh-uh

Thedeacon: Not even for TWO Evocations?

Metaphysical Demon: Reah reah Raggy!!! Rooby rooby rooooo!!

Belamorte: I’m almost positive there was a copyright violation there…

Thedeacon whirls his hands in a complex manner, calling forth a powerful cloud of nanobots from the very ether and rapidly weaves them together in a stream of pure energy from his fingertips into the mind and body of his faithful companion.

The eyes of the demon glow a deep red and its leathery skin is pulled taut over a bulging form. That’s right damnit, Metaphysical Demon has just been evoked!

Metaphysical Demon (stretches his arms wide): RAAAAAAAR! Deacon, may I eat them?

Thedeacon: No, you cannot eat them. Veteran Omni Metaphysicists give you the runs something fierce and I don’t feel like wiping your leg up for the next week. When I tell you to, I want you to run out that door and slap them like guests on the Jerry Springer show.

Metaphysical Demon (snarling): He ain’t yo baby daddy!!! BLOOD!

Metaphysical Demon rushes towards the door with such ferocity that when he misses and hits the doorframe, you can almost hear the wall scream with pleasure

Metaphysical Demon (gyrating his hips and creating small puncture holes in the doorframe with his massive claws): YES! Gimme some o’ that sweet loving b***h!

Belamorte: Holy s**t! Get em boy!

Metaphysical Demon: You like that, don’t you? You like it when daddy gets rough with you. Does he like it Belamorte? Huh?

Belamorte (floats in closer and begins spanking Metaphysical demon on the buttocks with his tentacle): Oh yeah big boy. It likes it alright.

Doorframe: …..

Metaphysical Demon (repeatedly smacking the doorframe while his body makes loud scratching sounds against the metaplast wall): Mmm oh yeah, I’m gonna crit all over you!

Belamorte: Takethattakethat! W00T!

Doorframe: !!!!

Thedeacon: !!!!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: !!!!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude!

Metaphysical Demon (lights up a cigarette): Oh now that hit the spot.

Doorframe: What the hell? 22 seconds? You goddamned gimp! I feel….violated. At least the Engis’ pets can last almost a minute.

Thedeacon: The doorframe didn’t just---

Doorframe: Oops! Er, No I mean. Doorframes can’t speak. Um, going back to being a doorframe now.

Thedeacon (grabbing Metaphysical Demon, turning him in the direction of the doorway and pushing him in): Dude! Get in there!

The door hisses shut behind Metaphysical Demon

Metaphysical Demon: Um. Hi there.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.

Metaphysical Demon: Dude. This sucks.



Five minutes later…..

Thedeacon (thinking to himself): Hmmm. I hear some grunting and groaning, but all in all, things are pretty quiet in the next room. I wonder why…

Metaphysical Demon: …..Right hand blue!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (contorting his body into an odd position): Damn the blue! Damn the blue!

Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow? The needle is totally pointing to red.

Metaphysical Demon: Look at it, dummy! The needle is more on yellow than red.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Well actually it was right on the line before you shook it to land on yellow. You clanners and your ‘sploits.

Metaphysical Demon: Don’t turn this into a role playing thing, buddy. Omnis ‘sploit as much as clanners do. I say it’s yellow and it’s yellow!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grunting under the burden of his weight): Who’s idea was it to play naked twister anyway? I’m putting my clothes back on.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: No! For the love of God, stay naked! Er, I mean, the game has just begun.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Hey! Metaphysical Demon didn’t say ‘left hand, right asscheek’, buddy.

Belamorte: It’s only fair if I spin. After all, since I don’t have hands or feet, I’m going to lose pretty quickly.

Thedeacon (walking into the main room from the foyer): You guys, it’s kinda quiet in---

Metaphysical Demon: Deacon!

Belamorte: Deacon!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick! Someone help me get my pants on!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (throwing his pants on, both legs at a time): Is this your shield or mine, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Er, hello. Um, this isn’t what it looks like.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick people! While he’s stunned by the obvious homosexual and bestial overtones of four men and six androgenous creatures playing naked Twister, ATTACK!

You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist
You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist hits you for 300 points of chemical damage

Thedeacon: OW! You just bopped me in the nose with that damn shield, buddy! Holy crap, wait! Wait! Everyone stop, I think I have a nosebleed now.

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (Stopping his attack and wincing): Oooh ouch. That’s a real gusher there….. Here, tilt your head back, I’ll go get you a cold wet rag.

Thedeacon: I sure hope you’re insured, buddy!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Omni Tek provides us with top notch insurance in exchange for our souls and free will. The best part is they also recognize the non-traditional, yet perfectly acceptable family relationships that most Omni-Tek employees share *shoots a wink and a quick flick of his tongue at Veteran Omni Metaphysicist*

Thedeacon: Dude…

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /fblock

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Do these Waitt pants make me look fat?

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grabbing Veteran Omni Metaphysicist by the hips): Oh no honey, I’d say you’re just my size!

Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /ballet

Metaphysical Demon (backing away slowly): Holy…

Belamorte: Oh my GAWD..

Thedeacon: Jesus H Christ you two, you just played naked twister with OMNIS!!

Metaphysical Demon: OMG! Deacon, that doesn’t make US Omni, does it?

Thedeacon: That remains to be seen, but I’ll be damned sure not to let you clean my big gun anymore…

Belamorte: *cough* it’s not THAT big....Besides, it’s the thickness that---OH MY GAWD. Deacon, I’m turning Omni!!!

Thedeacon: I know something we can do to reaffirm our heterose---er, I mean Clannerness. Let’s kick these guys’ asses, grab our pink panties and go drink some beer!


Thedeacon: Not…a….word..

Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!

Thedeacon (throws up a Bronto Burger and fries onto the reclaim terminal): Well that was the gaming equivalent of wrapping my buttcheeks around a twenty foot long razorblade and sliding into a big pool of Iodine.

Metaphysical Demon: Are you my master?

Thedeacon (spitting out the remains of what appears to be his own colon): Et tu, Metaphysical Demon? God I hate resurrection sickness. I don't even remember eating that.

Metaphysical Demon: Sorry man, you kinda sucked back there.

Thedeacon: *I* sucked??? You spent the entire time rubbing your crotch on the metaplast wall and you tell me *I* suck? Dude, that’s weak.

Metaphysical Demon: I got caught in my zipper! And you know I can’t use these claws of mine to free myself. I *like* being a boy demon.

Thedeacon: And where were you Belamorte?

Belamorte (clutching a scrap of paper with Veteran Omni Metaphysicist’s grid number written down on it): Well, I…You know.

Thedeacon: Good lord, Belamorte! You’re turning Omni!!! That’s it, we need to go back there right away and deal some payback before you guys turn ALL the way Omni!

The three make their way outside the west gate of Newland City

Thedeacon: *%$#)$$% Omnis…

Senior ICC Representative: Hey buddy, Newland is a neutral town. We’re not having any of this clan propaganda here. Take your hippy ass back to Tir.

Thedeacon: Huh?

Senior ICC Representative: Listen. We neutrals---oh f*** Quick, hide me!

Female ICC Representative: Oh THERE you are mister, you’re in BIG trouble, you hear me?

Senior ICC Representative: Uh, hi dear.

Female ICC Representative: You mind telling me where you’ve been all day? You been picking up whores at Neuters R’ Us again? This is why we don’t have anything nice! You’re always at that damned bar, pouring wax onto the nipples of that Omni fixer, Streax18! Despite his rounded child bearing hips and baby blue grid armor, that’s a MAN baby!

Senior ICC Representative: Um, whatever are you talking about honey? I’ve been keeping watch right outside the west gate all day, hanging with my friends…..(reads the name above our heroes’ heads) Thedeacon, Metaphysical Demon and Belamur—

Belamorte: That’s Belamorte!

Female ICC Representative: That’s a load of bull! I sat by the reclaim terminal with your lunch all day, waiting for your corpse to show up!

Metaphysical Demon whispers: Bussssted…

Senior ICC Representative: Um, nobody killed me all day! Really!

Female ICC Representative: That NEVER happens! Why, even as we speak we’re being shot at by thirteen people trying to look uber by killing gray guards!

Streaz18 (whizzing by at the speed of light): /fblock see you later cutie!

Female ICC Representative: HOMEWRECKER!

Senior ICC Representative: Dear, can’t we just talk about thi—OW! You shot me!

Female ICC Representative: That’s right buddy, I’m killing you AND your gimpy Metaphysicist buddy!


Thedeacon: Not a word….Not…one….word..

Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!

Stay tuned for the conclusion to our rather drawn out story, entitled: DEATH OF A DEACON




The place: Newland city…next to the reclaim terminal of course.

Belamorte: You are weak, I will not obey you!

Metaphysical Demon: You are not my master!

Thedeacon: Listen, if you say that one more time, I’m going to---


Thedeacon: What the hell?

Xtremtech (eyes darting madly left and right): TOOLSET! MEZZ!

OT Lab Technician: There he is! Get him!

Xtremtech (grabbing hold of Thedeacon and filling his lungs with the foul stench of insanity and cheap wine): There’s no time, mate!

Thedeacon: Er, actually I have about five more minutes until I’m rezzed up. Hey wait, aren’t you the Metaphysicist Professiona--

OT Lab Technician (running up the hill to the reclaim terminal): I’ve got the net!

OT Lab Technician: Give me that you idiot! The last time I let you hold the net while running you tripped and fell down…the hill---oh dear…Are you okay?

OT Lab Technician (clenching his midsection): My pancreas! Oh Jesus, the pain!

OT Lab Technician: Oh get up, you big baby. The nanobots only attacked you for 40 points of damage.

OT Lab Technician: Oh cruel nanobots! Why do you hurt me so…..Why???

Xtremtech: Eep! PET WARP!!! WARP PET!!

Thedeacon: Er, listen bud. I’m not sure what you’re on, but if you have any leftover—

OT Lab Technician (grabbing Xtremtech and placing him in a rather smart looking coat): Yup! That’s one less to deal with.

Thedeacon: Er, I think you have that jacket on him backwards.

OT Lab Technician: Well, OT Lab Technician, throw that nutbar in the jail with the rest of ‘em.

OT Lab Technician: Pancreas…

OT Lab Technician: One less Metaphysicist to worry about.

Thedeacon: One less….WTF?

OT Lab Technician: No, one less Metaphysicist. WTFs we don’t have a problem with. But Metaphysicists have to go.

Thedeacon: WTF?

OT Lab Technician: No. Let me say this slowly. Me-ta-phy-si-cist. You know, the guys with the naked androgenous lizards, sorta look like that….guy….there?

Metaphysical Demon: Hey! I may be naked, but underneath my zipper lies---

Thedeacon: A man in a really cheesy demon costume…heh heh. Come along now, er, Bob. Let’s not take up any more of the nice OT Lab Technician’s time

Metaphysical Demon: You are not my master.

OT Lab Technician: Hey, if he’s not a demon and you’re not a Metaphysicist, then why is he calling you ‘master’?

Thedeacon: Well you see…um…

OT Lab Technician: Not another word, buddy.

Thedeacon: No wait, I—

OT Lab Technician: I said, not another word! Listen, Disneyland may acknowledge your “alternative life partnership”, but this ain’t San Francisco and my name ain’t Walt. Dressing your ‘little fella’ in a demon costume is just sick. In my day we had laws to prevent this type of thing. Move along, pervert. Looks like bigboy there isn’t obeying his “master”. Looks like we know who where the panties in THIS family.

Thedeacon: Er yes. Metaphysic—er BOB, must be punished. Come along now BOB and bring your jar of mayo.

Metaphysical Demon: Deacon, my name isn’t Bob, I’m…(eyes light up) Ooooooh I see. Yeah, Bob. That’s me! Bob it is. Bob I am. I do not like green eggs and ham. Bob is short for Robert, y’know. But you can call me Bob. All my friends do, right Deacon?

Belamorte (points above Metaphysical Demon’s head, where the words “Metaphysical Demon” appear in bold white letters above Metaphysical Demon’s head):…cough.

Thedeacon: Belamorte? See, I told you that you’d catch a cold if you didn’t cover your tentacles with booties at night.

Belamorte make anxious jabs with all his tentacles towards Metaphysical Demon and mouths out the words “Change his f%$*ing name jackass”

OT Lab Technician: Hey wait a sec. Now the bondage freak is easily explainable, but w00t’s up with that thing? (points to Belamorte) Looks *a lot* like a Metaphysicist heal pet to me.

Thedeacon (shuffles his feet nervously): Him, er that? That’s a balloon. Um, would you like a balloon?

OT Lab Technician: You people and your balloons. Get out of Newland bef---hey wait. You really *are* a Metaphysicist and that really *is* a heal pet and that Metaphysical Demon really *is* a Metaphysical Demon!

Thedeacon: …

Belamorte: ….

Metaphysical Demon: ….I’m Bob and I have no goddamned clue who either of these people are.

OT Lab Technician (draws his gun): ….

Belamorte: …..


Belamorte: You are weak, I will not ob—

Thedeacon grabs Belamorte by the tentacles and proceeds to run down the hill, knocking OT Lab Technician back to the ground, mumbling something about his spleen.

Metaphysical Demon: I really am Bob, and um…Oh hey, lookit the time (begins slowly backing away before breaking into full stride after his comrades. Along the way, he finds a nice tree and runs straight into it, gyrating his loving hips. A zipper can be heard.

Metaphysical Demon: Mmmm…Facing certain death, yet you still know how to turn my crank, tree. I see your knothole is already filled with sweet Jokka tree sap…

Jokka Tree: …

OT Lab Technician: Get up, damnit! He’s getting away!

Metaphysical Demon: Oooh yeah! That’s the stuff baby! Give it to daddy! Oh oh oh!

Jokka Tree grunts

Metaphysical Demon: ???

Jokka Tree: Mmmm yeah, I like that daddy.

Jokka Tree transforms into a smiling Veteran Omni Spy

Metaphysical Demon: HOLY! I feel….used..

Veteran Omni Spy: Yeah, I know I could have done this minutes ago, but…GAWD I didn’t realize a minion of Hell could give sweet lovings like that….say, what’s your sign?

Before Metaphysical Demon can answer, the lights go dim and he feels hands carrying him away. He also feels Veteran Omni Spy’s hands grab his butt.

Thedeacon (running through Newland city): Oh my God he’s gaining on us Belamorte! Metaphysical Demon, quickly attac—er, Metaphysical Demon?

Belamorte: You left him behind, you idiot!

Thedeacon: No problem, if we keep running, he’ll eventually warp to us.

Belamorte: I’m the only one that warps to you, remember? Metaphysical Demon will hump the nearest object in sight until you go back and get him!

Thedeacon: Well can’t I just terminate him and recast, like Zylina (who totally thinks I’m a complete hottie) said?

Belamorte: You gotta start reading the forums. You can’t terminate him if you’re more than two inches away.

Thedeacon: Then we shall cut an angry swath through the fiends and reclaim our fallen comrade!

Belamorte: That definitely did NOT sound like Kirk Douglass in Ben Hur.

Thedeacon: Well, I was just winging that. Let’s kick ass, Bela! Heal me!

Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!

Thedeacon: Belamorte, I’m rezzed up already…

Belamorte: *giggle* yeah, but you’re still pretty weak. Alright, alright commencing the healing process now, master.

Thedeacon turns to face his slow moving pursuer, Yamatuchy X-3 Counter Sniper Rifle in hand.

Thedeacon: Let me line up a good shot.

OT Lab Technician shouts: Dude, I *totally* detect your presence!

Thedeacon: Yeah, I know, but you’re like 50 feet away. I should have plenty of time to line up a shot.

OT Lab Technician: Doesn’t work that way! And I am *so* going to rawk you with my uber pistol in like 8 seconds.

Thedeacon: We’ll see about that, ass. Give me a second here.

Belamorte: Deacon, pull the damned trigger already!

Thedeacon: I haven’t trained in shooting fast, Belamorte. Next level I’ll max it out.

Thedeacon slowly pulls the trigger and hits his target right on the mark, seeing the message “you hit your target for 38 points of energy damage”

OT Lab Technician: Gimp!

OT Lab Technician hit you for 200 points of projectile damage!

Thedeacon: Ow! Holy crap man! Give a guy a chance already!

You hit OT Lab Technician for 800 points of energy damage!

OT Lab Technician: Oof

OT Lab Technician tried to hit you but missed!

Thedeacon: Ha! Whose the gimp now, buster?

OT Lab Technician hit you for 1200 points of projectile damage! Critical hit!

OT Lab Technician shouts: I hope that answered your question!

Thedeacon: Oof

You hit OT Lab Technician for 3400 points of projectile damage! Critical hit!
OT Lab Technician: Oou

OT Lab Technician hit you for 500 points of projectile damage!

Thedeacon: Holy crap that really hurt! Belamorte? Belamorte!

Belamorte (smiling as level 2 Nanotechnician plays with his tentacles): Oh yeah, I’ll definitely call you…A little more to the left—oh yeah, that’s the ticket baby…


Belamorte: I’m sorry master, I am unable to do that.

Thedeacon: Oh God, not this again. Why not?

Belamorte: Because I’m totally making out with a noob!

Thedeacon turns to see a young lady in nail armor pants, cyber armor boots, metaplast chest, leather armor sleeves and gray cloak hood giggling and hugging Belamorte.

Level 2 Nanotechnician: Credz plzkthxbye.

Thedeacon turns his attention and his gun from OT Lab Technician and points it at Level 2 Nanotechnician.

Thedeacon: Put the pet down, hussy.

Level 2 Nanotechnician: Kplzthx stfu 1 @/\/\ uB3r3r T|-|4|/| j00!

OT Lab Technician puts a hot bullet in the forehead of level 2 Nanotechnician

OT Lab Technician: Yeah, even I get sick of that crap. Where were we?

Thedeacon sees a whompa to his right and runs through the door marked “ICC”


Thedeacon: Whew, thank Mocham that guy doesn’t know how to use a whompa, or we’d be smoked right about now! Why do you think those guys were rounding up Metaphysicists? I mean, that Xtremtech guy was obviously on the sauce, but he was trying to tell us something…

Belamorte: Deacon, where is Metaphysical Demon? He is supposed to warp when you change locations!

Thedeacon: OMG you’re right! Let me recast him.

Thedeacon moves his hands in a complex manner, forming a cloud of shimmering nanobots at his fingertips.

Enmity Personification: My powers are at your disposal, master! And this better be DAMNED good too, because I was TOTALLY about to get busy with Wrath Incarnation in your ncu belt!

Thedeacon: WTF? Where’s Metaphysical Demon?

Thedeacon moves his hands in a complex manner, forming a cloud of shimmering nanobots at his fingertips.

Balbuto The Gibberer: brblemffbrbl

Belamorte: ? Deacon, you’re not moving your hands right. You put the left one in, then you put the left on in

Thedeacon: And then you shake it all about! Yeah, I know that! Something is terribly wrong here!

Balbuto The Gibberer: brblbrblbbblllmmf

Level 120 Engineer: MOKIES PLZ!!

Level 145 Martial Artist shouts: Did someone say…MOKIES?

Level 155 Enforcer: Deacon, can you gimme mokies?

Level 86 Trader: MOKIEZ PLZ

Level 164 Adventurer: **** MOKIEZ PLZZZZ!! ****

Level 172 Bureaucrat: Gimme mokies. I need three mokies. Gimme mokies.

Belamorte: Goddamnit, these simps don’t even specify WHICH mokies they want…


Level 189 Soldier: Gimped…nanos…Need…Mokies. MOKIEZ!

Level 179 Agent: Tooo lazzzyyy to false professssssion….MOooOOkiezzz

Level 144 Fixer: Need to recast….grid..armor…then…whine….about it…Mookies…


The ever-growing crowd outstretches their arms and begins slowly walking towards Thedeacon, with an odd glassy eyed look.

Belamorte: Er, Deacon? Do you notice anything…different about this crowd? I mean, more different than usual?

Thedeacon (slowly backing away, noticing every every new arrival into ICC instantly joins the crowd of zombie-like Rubi Ka citizens): Er yeah. Um.
Crowd: Moookies…neeeeeedddd MooookKIIIiieeEEszzzz PPPLlllLLzzZZzz….

Belamorte: Deacon, I don’t know what’s going on, but I think we should get the hell out of here!

Thedeacon: But we can’t go back to Newland, OT Lab Technician will smoke us!

Belamorte: Tir! Tir! Go to Tir!

The duo narrowly escapes into the Tir whompa


Thedeacon: WOAH! I smell a nefarious plot by—

Belamorte: Deacon, watch out!

Level 135 Doctor (lunges at Thedeacon): MmOkIEZ!

Thedeacon: Holy crap! That doctor tried to ninja loot a mokie! So I guess the ninja looting isn’t just limited to missions after all…

Belamorte: Deacon, we’re attracting a crowd here…RUN!

Angry crowd of glassy eyed Rubi Ka Citizens: MOOOOOOOKIESSSSSSSS

Enmity Personification: Terminate me! Terminate me!

Balbuto the Gibberer: BRBLEMMFFMFFF!!! MMMF!!!!

Thedeacon, Belamorte, Enmity Personification and Balbuto the Gibberer tear down the streets of Tir, avoiding random worthless buffs followed by the strange chant-like moans of “mokies” thrown at them

Thedeacon: There’s a Sentinel Guard! He’ll protect us!

High Commander Fisk: Woah there, little man. What’s your beef?

Thedeacon: Dude. You know that’s a goat skull on your head, right?

High Commander Fisk: This helmet represents the struggle of the clans to unite against the tyranny of---

Thedeacon: Yeah yeah yeah. Listen, can you hide me or something?

High Commander Fisk: RAAAWR! The way of the warrior is not to hide! We must take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them! To die! To sleep! No more! We must crack the bones of our enemies and drink the supple marrow to replenish our warrior hearts!

Thedeacon: I have no f***ing clue what you just said, buddy.

High Commander Fisk: That wasn’t dramatic enough for you?

Thedeacon: No, I actually think you went a bit overboard there. Maybe if you removed the animal carcasses from---

Belamorte: Deacon! The mokiez crowd is gaining on us!

High Commander Fisk (eyes growing glassy): Did you say….

Thedeacon: Not you too!

High Commander Fisk: Insane….requirements….new…nanos….Devs…on crack….mokies…MOKIEZ…MOOOOKIEEEEZZZ!

Belamorte: Quick Deacon! Outside the south gate! Deacon? DEACON!


Belamorte: He’s not dead you idiot. If he were, we’d be at reclaim telling him whata gimp he is. He’s just….Gone..

Enmity Personification: I know. I’ve just always wanted to say that.

Belamorte: That is *so* last year.

Balbuto the Gibberer: Mffbrblbrbl?

Belamorte: *sigh*…Will someone please shut that mezz pet up?

Balbuto the Gibberer: MMfff uuu Brbltch!

Enmity Personification: Um, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but without Deacon here, any one of these dorks with mass weapons of destruction™ can wax us at any time. You got a plan?

Belamorte: Me? Er yeah. My theory is that the crowd of mokie zombies is somehow related to the disappearance of the other Metaphysicists. They became so addicted to mokies that when all the Metaphysicists disappeared, they went through withdrawal symptoms.

There’s only one place we can be safe. The mission. Maybe the Omni Metaphysicists in there might know what’s going on…or they’ll just make us play more naked twister, which in itself is not entirely bad…

Enmity Personification: Then off we go! Back to Broken Shores!

Area change not initiated. You may retreat or try crossing again
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Belamorte: ….

What has become of Thedeacon and Metaphysical Demon? We need you help! Can you find Thedeacon? Have the absolute dishonor of winning a part in the next chapter if you are the first to spot Thedeacon and say the words “MOKIEZ PLZ” in vicinity chat!



The place: A concrete holding cell in the temple of the three winds, where the last remaining Metaphysicists are being held against their will….

Cyprux: I’d like to state for the record that I’m going to kill you after we’re out of here.

Thedeacon: Dude shutup, this is totally going to work!

Cyprux (sighs): Yes, but next time YOU get to wear the dress. This garter belt and padded bra are scratchy.

Thedeacon: Yes, but you look quite lovely in them.

Cyprux: Oh, why thank you! The key is in the accessories. I mean, sure I could put on this cherry red lipstick and get a few whistles or a Christmas goose from some lonely guy, but---

Thedeacon (giggles): Did I mention they have a slimming effect….Chunky?

Cyprux: …..Did I mention I was going to kill you after we get out of here?

Lordtritoch: This is a farce! Why does HE get to wear the wig and dress? Look at these smooth legs of mine (runs his hands along a pair of the nastiest nanogams Thedeacon has ever seen). I’d make a much better chick than Mrs. Doubtfire there!

Thedeacon (grimacing with disgust): Omnis..…Listen guys, if we’re going to get out of here, we have to work together, and that means ALL of us. Together. That’s what friends are for.

Cyprux: For good times.

Lordtritoch: And bad times.

Xtremtech: I’ll be on your side forevermooooore. Woah-ohhhh, that’s what friends are foooooor. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on m—

Cyprux: SHUT. UP.


Bionotrous (in a rumbling Atrox voice): Dionne Warwick songs always bring me to tears….I think I need a hug (outstretches his arms).

Thedeacon: Dude.

Cyprux: Dude.

Xtremtech (holds his arms out)

Meurgen (puts an arm around Cyprux): Hey baby, I haven’t seen you around here bef—

Cyprux: Don’t. Touch. Me. I am not a woman.

Meurgen: I know. Mrroowr.

Thedeacon: Shhh! I think I hear the guards coming. Remember Cyprux, you’re my wife and you got trapped inside this cell with me while on a conjugal visit.

Demonsguile: This is a locked jail cell. How could he possibly get inside a jail cell in the first place, let alone get trapped in said locked jail cell?

Thedeacon (/scratch): Nothing that has happened up to now has made the least bit of sense, so why should this?

Demonsguile: Good point.


Area change not initiated. You may retreat or try crossing again
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Enmity Personification: You’ve been standing at that gate for six hours, Belamorte. Just fly through it for Mocham’s sake!

Belamorte: Going through doors is harder than it looks.

Enmity Personification: Move forward.

Area change not initiated. You may retreat or try crossing again
Area change not initiated. You may retreat or try crossing again

Belamorte: Didn’t I tell you this was harder than it looks? Okay, I’m going to retreat and then I will cross again. Or should I cross again and then retreat?

Balbuto the Gibberer: BrBlbbrrrBBrrMMf!


Metaphysical Demon: You want me to WHAT?

Veteran Omni Spy: Listen, it’s all in the name of science. Where is your zipper?


Cult Priest: And so I say to her, ‘Nope, I don’t need a doc to cast enlarge on me. This is all self buffage, baby /adjust! Now let me show you the OTHER gift that Mocham gave me’

Cult Priest (laughing): Oh Jim, you sure are a ladies man! You’ve gotta give me some pointers!

Cult Priest (points toward a dank cell marked ‘Metaphysicists’: Well there’s your chance buddy. Looks like that pretty lady got trapped inside the gimp cage. What say we rescue her and fill her up her ncu?

Cyprux: Help. I am a woman. Really I am. Please save me.


Enmity Personification: Finally! I see what you mean about how hard it is to walk through doors and open gates. I mean, you’d think that it would just take a little forward motion, but there’s some deep thought involved in that process and just the slightest error can---Where’s Balbuto the Gibberer?

Balbuto the Gibberer (distressed and whimpering, while vibrating on the Tir South Gate post): BRBLBRBL!!!MMPFH!!!BRBLE!!!

Belamorte: Oh, for the love of Mocham. I’ll go get him.

Before Belamorte can reach his comrade, he feels a tug on his tentacle

Belamorte: Ow, hey! Not THAT one—er on second thought, yeah keep tugging. Right there baby, oh yeah that’s the ticket.

**Level 10 Adventurer**: *giggle* ballooneys hihihihih! Want ballooneys!!!

Belmorte: Let. Go. I. Am. Not. A. Balloon.

**Level 10 Adventurer** (jumping up an down): Buy me ‘looneys! Want a ‘blooney!!! Credz PLzz hihihihihi!!!

Enmity Personification (swatting fruitlessly with his tentacles): Let him go, you noob!

**Level 10 Adventurer** grabs ahold of Enmity Personification with her other hand and proceeds to run off into greater Tir County


Enmity Personification: Ow! Hey!

Belamorte: For the last time, we are NOT balloons!!!

Enmity Personification whispers: Hey Belamorte, why does her name have ‘**’ in front of it?

Belamorte whispers: Hmm. I read something about this. It means she is “pvp enabled”. But she’s way to low level for us to----ohhhhh. Deacon isn’t here, is he? So that means---

Enmity Personification whispers: That means we can totally kick her ass without getting in trouble..

Belamorte whispers: Alright, here’s what we do: You attack her and I’ll keep her healed so that just when she’s about to die, I bring her back only to have you smack her a bit more. Prolong the pain.

Enmity Personification whispers: Smack her? Dude, I have no hands.

Belamorte whispers: Well then….kinda bounce on top of her head a bit. You’re pretty fat, that oughtta do some damage.

Enmity Personification whispers: Fekk you man, this is holiday weight, leave me alone. ‘Bounce on her head’? What kind of lame pet am I? At least Metaphysical Demon can slap people. Not like he hits anything, but it still looks a lot cooler.

Belamorte whispers: This is totally going to work. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that you do a better job than Metaphysical Demon in the asskicking department. After all, he uses one handed martial arts attacks to fight, whereas you use two handed martial arts attacks.

Enmity Personification whispers: WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE! Look at me Belamorte, I HAVE NO HANDS, let alone TWO hands to make a TWO handed martial arts attack, whereas Metaphysical Demon has two hands, yet only fights with one! Who makes up these rules anyways?

Belamorte whispers: Whoever that is needs to lay off the sauce a bit. Now get bouncing, mister!

**Level 10 Adventurer**: Hihihihih pretty ‘looney---OW! Bad looney!

Enmity Personification (jumping up and down on top of **Level 10 Adventurer**’s head): I feel like a complete idiot…


Belamorte: *giggle* I’m sorry, **Level 10 Adventurer**, I am unable to do that…


Thedeacon (examining Remains of Cult Priest): Well that wasn’t such a chore, now was it?

Remains of Meurgen: …..

Remains of Cyprux: …..

Remains of Bionotrous: …..

Remains of Archelan: …..

Thedeacon: Er.

Demonsguile: So what are you waiting for? Let’s get the hell out of here, please.

DominusFacutTheBloodless: NOT SO FAST, INFIDELS!

Thedeacon (staring at the tall man in black Nano Armor cloak and hood): Oh god, NOW what?

DominusFacutTheBloodless: Hehehe, that gets ‘em every time

Thedeacon (covering a growing wet spot in the front of his Decranum’s MKII pants): I SO was not scared.

DominusFacutTheBloodless: I’d like to be the first to welcome you to the cult of the three winds.

Thedeacon: Who the hell are you? And what the hell is the Cult of the Three Winds?

DominusFacutTheBloodless: Can’t you read the white lettered title above my head? Why, I’m DominusFacutTheBloodless.

Thedeacon: you know, if you say your name just right, “Facut” sounds a lot like--

DominusFacutTheBloodless I was teased a lot in school for that. It’s a bit of a sensitive subject for me. I see you’ve already killed our Cult Priests, I hope they have made your stay more relaxing, feel free to loot their still warm bodies, my friends!

Demonsguile looted Bullets
Thedeacon looted Summon Grid Armor MKIV



Demonsguile: What the s*it! We gotta roll for that!

Thedeacon: Says you! We did /team loot alpha, remember?

Demonsguile: I am *so* going to flame you on the boards!

DominusFacutTheBloodless: Er, heh, grid armor, eh? Now however did *that* get into the loot table? I’ll totally assemble that for you….Give it to me.

Thedeacon: Screw you man! There’s no way a metagimp has the skills to assemble a ql140 disc!

DominusFacutTheBloodless: Heh, the disc please….now.

Demonsguile: Roll with helpbot!!! ROLL!!!

DominusFacutTheBloodless: The—oh screw it, I’ll just kick your ass and take it.

Thedeacon: Hahahaha, in Nano Armor? You noob.

Thedeacon and Demonsguile both draw their Mausser Chemical Streamers

Remains of DominusFacutTheBloodless.

Thedeacon: Well I guess he really is bloodless.

Demonsguile: That wasn’t funny.

Thedeacon: Dude, that was SO the height of comedy.

Demonsguile: Whatever. I still say we should roll for that Grid Armor.


Metaphysical Demon: Ow! Oh, *giggle* hey that tickles! Stop that! And don’t say you’ll respect me in the morning either, because we both know it’s not true.


Remains of level 10 Adventurer

Enmity Personification: Well, the senseless slaughter of a human being sure does make me feel better, how about you?

Belamorte (looking at the remains): I miss her soft touch.

Enmity Personification (looking regretfully at the corpse): Me too. Hey, wanna catch her at reclaim and do it all over again?

Belamorte: Right on.

Balbuto the Gibberer (having finally freed himself and not seeing Belamorte or Enmity Personification in sight): BRBBLMMMBLLLBLLBLmf.

Urban Scout Patroller: I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Balbuto the Gibberer: MPHBRBLLLBBRBLlRmPH

Urban Scout Patroller: What are you trying to say?

Balbuto the Gibberer: MPH MPH BRBLE BRBBLE BR MPH!

Urban Scout Patroller (swifty unstrapping his Deluxe Flamethrower and taking aim): YOU’VE JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, GRECKO!

Balbuto the Gibberer: BRBLE!

Urban Scout Patroller (pausing for a second and taking aim once more): YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU CAME HERE, GRECKO!

Balbuto the Gibberer: blbop.


Balbuto the Gibberer: BRB—Oh the hell with it! Can’t you see the damn grecko is out of range??? You’re not going to hit it! Accept that and life will be so much more enjoyable for us all!

Urban Scout Patroller (holstering his weapon and turning to Balbuto the Gibberer): YOU’LL BE---Hey waitasec….You can talk?

Balbuto the Gibberer: Crap. The mezz pet union is gonna have my ass for this one. I’m supposed to be sitting here purring and gurgling while everyone tries to figure out what purpose I serve.

Urban Scout Patroller: What are you trying to say?

Balbuto the Gibberer: I asked, ‘have you seen an Enmity Personification and a Belamorte’?

Urban Scout Patroller: I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.



Thedeacon (looting the pockets of DominusFacutTheBloodless): Hey DG, ever find it a bit weird to dig through the pockets of a dead guy?

Demonsguile: What’s weird is that they vanish after we empty their pockets. WTF is up with that?

Thedeacon looted a Nano Crystal (Saemus' Crystalizer)

Demonsguile: Again???? Loot whore!

Thedeacon: Dude, don’t crap your Luxurious Rubber Pants. We’ll get you one too. Hmm. The instruction manual reads: “This strange nano program crystalizes energy into a semi-physical form. This form is not permanent, and the energy will dissipate in a few minutes”.

Demonsguile: What sort of energy?

Thedeacon: If I knew that, I would have a semi-physical form, now wouldn’t I?

Demonsguile scrunches his face and a noxious odor invades Thedeacon’s nostrils

Demonsguile: I got your energy right here, buddy. Uh oh. I think I made semi-physical form in my pants…

Thedeacon: Um, I think I just did too (points forward)

The Immortal One: Fools!!! You dare to trespass into the inner sanctum of The Immortal One?

Thedeacon and Demonsguile turn to see a beast made of fire with a breastplate and helmet of cast iron, wielding the biggest goddamned sword either has ever seen

The Immortal One: Did you come here to die?

Thedeacon: Er….Actually we came here to slap the taste out your mouth and grab your phat lewt to sell on ebay. But….It looks like death might be a more plausible end to today’s events.

Demonsguile: Speak for yourself gimp! I’m going t---

The Immortal One raises his sword in the air and cuts Demonsguile quite literally in half, the two halves bursting into flames.

Thedeacon: I think I’m going to----

Storm guild member #5465486748: There he is! Get ‘im!

The Immortal One (looking surprised): OH @#$%, STORM!

The next ten seconds are a mix of howling, gunfire and looting noises

Storm guild member #123535465445667: HAHAHAHA I got his sword. Gimpy mp MOB.

Storm guild member #434564644667863443534666765432 (holding a small brass jar): Hey guys, wtf is this?

Storm guild member #53456654432452: Dude that’s a funeral urn. Some dude’s dead ashes are in there. It’s crap. Give it to that dork over there (points to Thedeacon)

Thedeacon: PHAT LEWT!!!

Storm Guild member # 3245485473584723856476567551245236278: Er, actually not lol. It’s pure crap, so it must belong to a Metaphysicist. Later chump. Mokiez Plz.

Thedeacon examines the worth of the funeral urn before tossing it on the ground. For good measure, he nukes the urn with his new Saemus’ Crystalizer.

Thedeacon: Stupid urn. Stupid crystallizing nuke. Stupid eight foot tall Skeleton with sickle and—

Thedeacon’s pet, Revenant: My powers are at your disposal, master.

Thedeacon: !


Metaphysical Demon: So that’s it? You’re not going to give me your number or tell me that you’ll call me? Nothing?

Veteran OT Spy: Fool! Could you not see that I was using your sweet Demon loving just to get a sample of your DNA to use to create a SUPERIOR Metaphysicist pet?

Metaphysical Demon: Pfft. Good luck with that, girlie. NOBODY humps a table like me! Well at least you’re female. I’m feeling a lot less Omni now.

Veteran OT Spy casts Nanoprogram: Advanced Superior Extreme Face Graft and Metaphysical Demon’s eyes widen and turn to horror

Metaphysical Demon: Oh fekk. Damn Omnis.


Enmity Personification: I got another one, Bela! Look, Remains of **Level 6 Nanotechnician** PVP enabled noobs rock!

Belamorte: That good and all, but weren’t we supposed to be trying to find Deacon and the missing Metaphysicists?

Enmity Personification: Remember that time Deacon was in the mission with us and we were fighting that Real Mean Bully?

Belamorte: Actually I do. He sent us in the room with the bully and then ran like his pants were on fire.

Enmity Personification: Uh-huh.

Belamorte: But what do we tell Deacon when he gets back?

Enmity Personification: Bah, that gimp is probably dead already. He’s nothing without us.

Belamorte: I know that, but what do we say to him?

Enmity Personification: Same thing we always do when he dies. “Hello master, glad you’re back” and then we tell him how weak he is when he tries to give us a command.

Belamorte: Why, my dear Enmity Personification, I do believe this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Shake on it.

Enmity Personification (holds out a tentacle and shakes Belamorte’s tentacle): Bela, has anyone ever told you how soft your tentacles are? Bela isn’t exactly a BOY’s name either…

Belamorte: *blushes* Oh Enmity Personification, I never did say I was a boy….


Metaphysical Demon: Deacon LOVES me! He’s never ditch me for some cheap knockoff pet, especially if it requires time and effort to acquire it. He’ll keep casting me and ***** about the new pet in the forums!


Thedeacon (admiring his new skeletal pet): Screw the Demon! You rock!

Revenant: Let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master

Thedeacon: Er, right….So what is it you do exactly?

Revenant: I freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master

Thedeacon: Um, okay. Wanna grab a Bronto Burger? I gotta show yo off to the two people that might actually give a damn.

Revenant: This Bronto Burger of which you speak shall not slake the hunger for vengeance, master. Let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master

Thedeacon: You’re really hung up on the whole “soul freezing thing, aren’t you?

Revenant: The delicious strips of bronto meat get caught in my rib bones, master

Thedeacon: Hm, I suppose that does kind of suck.

Revenant: Can we commence with the freezing of the souls thing master? I mean, like soon?


Metaphysical Demon (wandering Tir County): Stupid new pet. Deacon DOES love me, he would never get rid of me. The Demon pound puts a lot of unwanted Demons to sleep. Deacon would never let THAT happen to m----Belamorte? Enmity Personification? What are you—

Belamorte (cradling a baby Anger Manifestation in his—er HER tentacles): He has your eyes, Enmity Personification…

Enmity Personification (cradling a baby Sanoo heal pet): Call me ‘Billy’ honey.

Metaphysical Demon: Belamorte??? Enmity Personification???

Enmity Personification: Billy. That’s “Billy”.

Meanwhile in Tir County…….
Thedeacon: I think I’m going to name you “Boner”

Revenant: Please do not do that master. Let us instead depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe

/pet Revenant rename Boner

Thedeacon: “I’ve got a bone to pick with you”. Come on, say it!

Boner: …

Thedeacon: SAY IT. I’m your master now, damnit.

Boner: I. Have. A…..bone… pick with you.

Thedeacon: Say it with FEELING man! You’re not worthy of the name “Boner”. You suck.

/Pet Boner rename Revenant

Revenant: I am not getting paid enough for this.

Thedeacon: Oh shut up and---and----WHAT IN MOCHAM’S NAME IS GOING ON HERE??

Enmity Personification: DEACON!

Belamorte: Deacon?

Sanoo: Deackywooobrbrbrb

Anger Manifestation: GAGGAGAGABABABAB *poop*

Belamorte: Awwwww, baby made his first stinky winky

Metaphysical Demon (wipes a tear from his eye): Deacon? So it’s true…You…I..

Thedeacon: Er, hi there Metaphysical Demon. This…I mean him (points to Revenant) This…isn’t what it looks like.

Metaphysical Demon: I don’t want to hear any more. You don’t have to explain.

Thedeacon (wraps his arms around his big pet): There there now. I still love you.

Revenant (shuffles his feet uncomfortably): Um, would you two like to be alone for a little while? Perhaps I shall depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe…or something

All pets, except for Metaphysical Demon: You do not give us the attention we deserve master. Terminating.

Thedeacon: Well it seems I sure managed to **** things up a bit…

Metaphysical Demon (on the verge of tears): It’s just---just---oh screw this! I’ve had about enough for one lifetime!

Metaphysical Demon unzips his skin to reveal Thomas ‘Cz’

Cz: You are really one sick bastard, do you know that, Deacon?

Thedeacon: HOLY NANOBOTS! All this time, you were…were a man in a pink rubber suit like everyone told me you were???

Cz: That’s right, buddy. I am SO out of here it’s not even funny! Keep your little pet, I’m going to go nerf an engi!

Cz walks toward the south gate

Urban Guard Patroller: YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, CZ!

Cz: Oh fekk.

Thedeacon: That was….disturbing. But somehow explains quite a bit.

Revenant: ’Disturbing does not even begin to describe half of what I’ve learned of you in the past hour. Now let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master

Thedeacon: You sure are hung up on the whole “freezing soul with scythe thing”, aren’t you? I still like “I have a bone to pick with you better”.

Revenant: And I like being a smouldering pile of ashes in the urn better, master. Nothing personal of course.

The newly formed duo walks toward the south gate, where Revenant begins slowly grinding his bones (get your minds out of the gutter) against the stone pillar

Revenant (grunting softly): Unbeliever pillar. Why dost thou tempt me so? Master, tell me of the “Evocation” nanos. Fill me with their sweet power.

Thedeacon: OH MOCHAM. Here we go again!

….And what became of our friend, Balbuto the Gibberer you ask?

Balbuto the Gibberer (wandering aimlessly from Greater Tir County in Varmint Woods): Always forgets about the mezz pet….ALWAYS. There’s a nice man, maybe he knows where Deacon is. That’s a mighty big axe he’s carrying…

Jack “Legchopper” Menendez: DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE?

Balbuto the Gibberer: Oh fekk.




OH MY! And still the story drags on!!!! ....and on....yay for poor writing skills!

You took 37 points in fall damage.
You took 69 points in fall damage.

Thedeacon: Oh come on already!

You took 135 points in fall damage.
You took 3543 points in fall damage.

/pet heal

Belamorte: Commencing the healing process now, master

Belamorte springs to life and flies in the opposite direction of Thedeacon, with Metaphysical Demon and Tumulten in tow. Thedeacon turns and watches them disappear into the horizon

Thedeacon shouts: Hey! Come back here!

/pet behind

/pet heal

/pet getyourassoverhere

/pet follow

/pet follow

/pet terminate

Belamorte: My powers are at your disposal, master

/pet heal

Belamorte (floating away merrily in the opposite direction of Thedeacon): *giggle* later Deacon!

Thedeacon (running after Belamorte repeatedly giving the /pet heal command): WTF? I need some heal juice kthxplz!!

You took 23 points of fall damage.

Thedeacon: Heal!!!!

You took 432 points of fall damage.
You took 32 points of fall damage.

Thedeacon (panting as his tiny gray legs try to keep up with Belamorte): Holy crap, I’m dying here!

You took 56 points of fall damage.

Thedeacon flails his arms madly and crumples to the ground, dead

Belamorte (stops in midair and turns around): Hurry back master! I can’t survive on my own!

You died of weapon damage!

Now entering Scheol garden

Belamorte: It’s so good to see you again master!

Thedeacon: @#$@!. WTF happened back there?

/pet heal

Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!

Thedeacon: Don’t start with me, damnit!

/pet heal

Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!

Thedeacon: Did you ever consider that maybe if you obeyed me in the first place I WOULDN’T BE DEAD?

Belamorte: There’s no need to speak in caps, Deacon….

Thedeacon /strong3: That’s it, Belamorte! Time to open up a can of Notum enriched whup ass! You came here to die?

Thedeacon walks over to Belamorte and steps on a large button on the ground

character saved

Belamorte (curling up two tentacles into tiny fists): Oh you’re going to kick MY ass? Listen here gimp, I’ll work you over like a white woman in OJ Simpson’s house! You came here to die?

Thedeacon: Huh?

Belamorte: You came here to die?

Thedeacon: Huh?

Belamorte: You came here to die?

Thedeacon: Huh? No really….Huh? I can’t move! I’m stuck on the save button!

Belamorte swings a fisted tentacle and hits Thedeacon squarely in the jaw, causing him to reel backwards while remaining stuck on the garden save button

Thedeacon: Stop that! I really can’t move!

Belamorte: No way pal! You’ve been giving me s*** ever since I was a little Sanoo!

Thedeacon: I’ve been giving YOU crap? You let me die like every day!

Belamorte: Hey here’s a newsflash, Deacon. There’s a little thing called “Body Development”. RAISE IT!

Belamorte twirls his bulbous body and throws another punch, this one landing on Thedeacon’s right ear

Thedeacon: Ow! Dude, did you just punch me on my ear? That really hurt!

Belamorte: Oh there’s more where that came from. I see another ear and a shoulder with my name on it!

Thedeacon (twists his head around, attempting to look at his other ear): Your name? Wher—

Belamorte strikes Thedeacon on the top of his head

Belamorte: Ha! Take that, nanoboy!

Thedeacon (adjusting the plastic mullet atop his head): Hey! No messing with my hair!

Belamorte: THAT ISN’T HAIR, DEACON! And besides, mullets went out of style in the 29480’s!

Thedeacon: Oh I think I’ve heard about enough. Time to call out the big guns!

Tumulten: BrrRRBleMRF!

Thedeacon looking at the featureless green ball softly purring before him
Thedeacon: Hmmm, let’s try that again…

Metaphysical Demon: I’m ready to serve you, master!

/pet attack

Metaphysical Demon: Huh?

/pet attack

Thedeacon: Metaphysical Demon, Belamorte hit me!

/pet attack

Metaphysical Demon: But Belamorte is our friend, Deacon…


/pet attack

Metaphysical Demon: Okies…

Metaphysical Demon lets out a hell-powered growl and crouches into an attack position before running out of the garden and disappearing from sight

Thedeacon: What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Attention Citizens of Rubi Ka: OMG you’re going to love this one. We screwed up pet pathing again! Hahahaha, right? Well, since it’s Friday and nobody plays pet classes anyway, we’re going to head home and drink some more. We come up with our best ideas when we’re smashed off our asses. Yeah, we’ll get totally ripped and then we’ll come back all hungover on Monday and nerf something. Laters!

Thedeacon: Ah. That explains it. Belamorte, let’s not fight. You’re not responsible for bad game mechanics and poor programming. Shake on it?

Belamorte reels back and socks Thedeacon in the eye, causing his world to reel and go black

-----Three hours later-----

Thedeacon (holding his closed eye): Did you really *HAVE* to punch me that last time?

Belamorte (curling his orifice into something resembling a smile): I kicked your ass….I totally did.

Metaphysical Demon: That’s nothing to be proud of. That’s like beating up an old lady

Belamorte: Or a baby.

Metaphysical Demon: Or a nanomage.


Metaphysical Demon: HAHAHAHAHA

Thedeacon: Shut up you guys! There’s a narrow passageway up ahead, I have to concentrate so I don—

Now entering Wailing Waste

Thedeacon: ---t fall.

------Three hours later-----

Belamorte: Hey Deacon, is that an egg on your face or did I just kick your ass?

Metaphysical Demon: Good one, Belamorte!

Thedeacon: Shut up you guys! There’s a narrow passageway up ahead, I have to concentrate so I don—

Now entering Wailing Waste

Thedeacon: ---t fall.

------Three hours later-----

Belamorte: Ever see a gimp fly?

Metaphysical Demon: Yeah, twice already!


Tumulten: BrEEeeble!

Thedeacon: Shut up you guys! There’s a narrow passageway up ahead, I have to concentrate so I don—

Now entering Wailing Waste

Thedeacon: ---t fall.

------Twelve hours later-----

Thedeacon (standing on the other side of a narrow ledge, laughing at Belamorte and Metaphysical Demon): HA! I made it! Laugh at me NOW!

Metaphysical Demon (peering out over the narrow strip of rock and the long drop below): Deacon, we’re scared.

Belamorte: Yeah, come back and hold my tentacle and guide me through. Please? We won’t make fun of you anymore.

Thedeacon: Aw, my sweet innocent pets. Why, of course I’ll come help (falls from the strip of rock) yoOOOOooUUUuuuuuuuuu I hate yooooooooooooooooooooooou

Belamorte looks at Metaphysical Demon and Metaphysical Demon looks at Tumulten


Metaphysical Demon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Tumulten: BRrWHEEeeeEEEEEeeee

------Several hours later, walking along the side of a mountain in lower Scheol-----

Belamorte: Oh come on, Deacon. Don’t be such a baby. It was funny!

Thedeacon: ….

Metaphysical Demon: It was a joke, Deacon! A joke! You know, “haha?”

Thedeacon turns to face his pets but freezes mid-turn

Thedeacon: Woah, the ground just disappeared.

Belamorte: Huh?

Tumulten: Mrfle?

Thedeacon takes three steps and stops again

Thedeacon: Guys, I might be wrong, but I think we just walked inside the mountain.

Belamorte: Deacon, have you been smoking Notum chunks again? It’s not possible to walk inside a----oh. I almost forgot what game we were playing. Try using the /stuck command.

Thedeacon sits down and says “/stuck”

Stuck-resolve mode entered. Expect resolvement in 30 seconds

Thedeacon: HAHAHAHA “resolvement”? Where do they get these words from, an ebonics dictionary?

30 seconds later, Thedeacon finds himself magically (or nanobotically, since there’s no such thing as “magic” in AO) transported three feet to his left….Deeper into the mountain.


Stuck command can only be used every three minutes. Use that time to sit there and think about how you’re spending your time and money each month. Then try again and pretend that you did something constructive in those three minutes of your life which you will never get back.

Thedeacon: This is retarded. So now what?

Belamorte (looking at the broken polygons and missing ground surrounding them): Deacon, I think we’re going to have to petition this.

Metaphysical Demon (cringes, a look of fear filling his leathery face): Is there no other way?

Thedeacon: ARKs are our friends….they will help us….they will help us…. *shudder*

/petition stuck hey we’re stuck inside a mountain, please send help!

Pet: spam spam spam use the /stuck command spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam highest priority spam spam spam spam spam 34325435 petitions ahead of you spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam

Thedeacon: Well that was informative. I guess we wait. Anyone know any good songs?

Metaphysical Demon: Um, Ninety-nine bottles of beer on Wildwal

Belamorte: Ninety-nine bottles of beer
Tumulten: BrbbEEeemrph mf pHm

Thedeacon: Pass it around—

-----one hour later----

Thedeacon: Thirteen bottles of beer on Wildwal.

-----thirty minutes later----

Thedeacon: no more bottles of beer on the wall

-----Two hours later----

Thedeacon: -167 bottles of beer on the wall

-----17 hours later----

Thedeacon: -3525^e(x+y2) bottles of b—

ARK Clueless: Greetings citizen, are you in a safe place to discuss your problem?

To ARK Clueless: Oh thank God you came! Yes! Yes! I’m in a safe place!

A small Opifex woman in black materializes inside the mountain next to Thedeacon

ARK Clueless: Hello Thedeacon, what seems to be the problem?

Thedeacon looks around

Thedeacon: Isn’t it obvious? We walked inside of a mountain!

ARK Clueless: So you used the /stuck command to report that you walked into a mountain? Abuse of the /petition stuck feature can result in a warning, temporary or permanent suspension. /Petitions are not toys, young man!

Thedeacon (walks towards ARK Clueless): /scratch but…I AM stuck.

ARK Clueless: Oh really? You walked over to me just fine.

Thedeacon: Yes, I can walk around INSIDE the mountain (which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever), but I can’t get OUT of the mountain.


SL2: I lost count....

>>>Remains of Rosbif<<<

Belamorte: Dude. You just ate an engi.

Thedeacon: That’s one dead engi.

Belamorte: Or an…..undead engi….

Metaphysical Demon belches and spits out
Half Digested Human Legs and Feet

Metaphysical Demon: you know what’s f***ed up? I’d eat another one of the bastards too. He sorta tasted like….like…

>>>Remains of

Metaphysical Demon: Roast beef!

Belamorte: That wasn’t very funny.

Thedeacon: It was way too obvious and the timing was bad.

Tumulten: bBblpfft.

Belamorte: To say nothing of the delivery.

Metaphysical Demon spits out
Half Digested Human Hands and Wrists

Metaphysical Demon: Now THAT tasted like killstole Azure armor.

Belamorte: Hahahahaha, much better. But dude….you ate an engi.

Thedeacon: That’s fekked, man.

Belamorte: Deacon. Dude, you took a dump on him.

Thedeacon: I…er…I guess I did. Wait, was that before or after Metaphysical Demon ate---dude.

Metaphysical Demon: Dude?

Belamorte: DUDE!!!

Metaphysical Demon: DUDE!

Tumulten: BrbLmfPOO!!!!!!!

Belamorte examines the
Half Digested Human Hands and Wrists

Belamorte: You know, Deacon. Maybe this
Half Digested Human Hands and Wrists has Phat Lewt ™ inside…

Thedeacon: Belamorte, it’s a hand….an eaten and regurgitated hand. What Phat Lewt ™ could it possibly have?

Belamorte: Well, the description reads: “It should be possible to extract some implants from these remains. The brute force (using the item) will yield you a rough 75% chance of extracting something. A more focused approach with a tool, will always yield an implant.”

Thedeacon (gingerly picking up the mangled piece of flesh and dangling it between his fingertips): How do I “use” a hand and more importantly, why the hell does an engineer have a description engraved on his disembodied and partially digested hand?

Belamorte: Well, to answer your first question: Obviously you haven’t reached the point in puberty where using a hand becomes second nature….or judging by the crusty sock I find lying on the floor of our apartment each morning, maybe you have. You mind telling me why only ONE of the socks are crusty, Deacon?

Tumulten: Brbreeeefapfap

Thedeacon: Uh yeah, let’s keep moving fellas. Er, we’re losing daylight.

Belamorte: Deacon, the hand. Use it!

Thedeacon: Hey, not with you guys watching….And I’m not sure I want to, after Metaphysical Demon had it in his mouth. Okay, I’ll do it, but I sure wish we had Gunnandahalf’s cyb0rdeck or a couple of dirty magazines here to speed things up. Like, turn your orb or something and give a guy some privacy---

Belamorte: /puke Right click it you n00b!

Metaphysical Demon: Wait, I think right clicking it might break the implant inside.

Belamorte: Use a screwdriver instead.

Thedeacon: Dude! I’m so not going to dig an implant out from some guy’s rotting hand.

Belamorte: Use the screwdriver! Use the screwdriver!

Thedeacon: You use it!

Belamorte (waving his tentacles frantically): You idiot, I have no hands!

Thedeacon (holds
Half Digested Human Hands and Wrists in front of Belamorte’s orifice): Want this? *giggle* it’s a start….

Belamorte: ….

Thedeacon stuffs the decaying flesh in his subspace inventory

Thedeacon: I think I’ll just save that for later. Never know when I can “lend a hand” to someone. ROOFLES MAYO, I am t3h funnay.

Belamorte: Let’s go.

Thedeacon: I can’t, I’m still stuck---er wait, I think I see what my foot got snagged on.

Thedeacon bends over, giving the others a healthy view of nanocrack plumberbutt and picks up
A piece of plastic novictum

Tumulten: Brbbleblblbl?

Belamorte: What’s that?

Thedeacon: It’s
A piece of plastic novictum.

Metaphysical Demon: Which is…..what exactly?

Belamorte: Is it an energy source, in the scientific meaning of the word?

Thedeacon (clearing his throat and taking on a serious tone of voice): Many attempts have been made at describing what Novictum really is. I define it like this: 'It is not correct to regard Novictum as an energy source in the scientific meaning of the word, but rather as a 'metaphysical source of anti-growth' - an active matter of 'destruction' that balances 'growth' (represented by Notum) - and 'kills' energy. Traditionally death is regarded as passive, it is simply the 'random' absence of life. Life itself equals 'growth' in most beliefs. There is now good reason to start believing in the existence a destructive force that actively works against the force of 'growth' - and that both must be present as a premise of life. When both are absent we end up with death. In all other parts of the universe those two forces are always intermingled, only on Rubi-Ka and in the Shadowlands can you find those two 'building bricks of life' in their pure form.'

Belamorte: Woah. Holy **** Deacon, you actually sounded intelligent there. I…I’m actually impressed.

Thedeacon grins proudly and straightens his back

Tell me more, this is intriguing that we can actually hold an intelligent conversation for once.

Thedeacon (turning the Plastic Novictum around in his hands): I dunno, that’s all that was written on the side…..oh wait, there’s more. “Made in China”.

Belamorte (banging his tentacles on the side of his orb and groaning): …..I’m surprised you possess the intellect to even read that, Deacon.

Thedeacon: What’s an “intellect?”

Metaphysical Demon (eyes widening as he flaps his bald little wings with glee): It’s Metaphysical? Maybe it’s related to me! I’m a Metaphysical Demon!

Belamorte: No, you boob. You’re the pet that nobody likes.

Metaphysical Demon: Deacon, I’m hungry. Can we eat another engi?

Thedeacon: No, Metaphysical Demon. There’s only like five left. There’s like an endangered species law or something. Hey, here’s an idea. (throws the Plastic Novictum far off the side of the mountain)

Belamorte: Well let’s hear it.

Thedeacon: That was kind of it. Throw the plastic novictum off the side of the mountain.

Belamorte: Er, okay. Well, it’s not like it’s used for anything important, like making class defining armor or anything.

Thedeacon: Exactly! And besides, I have a rotting hand. I’m all full up on my Phat Lewt ™ for the day. Wait’ll I show it to Storm! They’ll sure be impressed!

The four make their way across the treacherous mountainside and find themselves in a dark cavern. In the middle of the cavern, hanging from the ceiling is a large orange…..well, if you’ve ever been to Scheol you’ve seen it.



Tumulten: BbrrbgBllz!

Thedeacon (giggling madly): hehehehehe--Is that?

Belamorte: *chortle* I think so!

Metaphysical Demon (staring in amazement): Wow, that makes me feel inadequate…

Belamorte (staring at Metaphysical Demon’s flat crotchal area): Metaphysical Demon, you don’t….I mean you’re missing…

Metaphysical Demon: It’s behind the zipper! Tell him about the zipper, Deacon! You’ve seen the zipper! You said so yourself back in the first story!

Belamorte (staring at Thedeacon with revulsion): Dude!

Thedeacon: /nono Dude! I have no idea what he’s talking about!

Metaphysical Demon (mumbling): I never heard the furniture in mission rooms complain…

Thedeacon (staring up at the hanging orange…….you know): I think I have an idea.

Belamorte (also staring at the big orange…er): If it involves a pair of scissors and a spool of thread, I want no part of it. Let’s hear it.

Thedeacon (pointing at the….orange….hanging….er): Let’s throw rocks at it!

>>>>>Six hours later……<<<<<<

Belamorte: Well that was fun. Maybe Shadowlands isn’t so bad after a---what am I saying?

Thedeacon: Hehehehehe we…..*giggle*….rocks….rocks at *Guffaw* orange….

Belamorte: Deacon, get ahold of yourself, you fool! I think I see someone…

Thedeacon: Think he might want to throw some rocks too?

Belamorte: Yes, and I hope one of them hits you square in the head.

Thedeacon (rubbing a growing bump between his eyes): That already happened, remember? Next time I won’t throw a rock directly up in the air and then watch it fall back down.

Cyprux can be seen off in the distance, hunched over the slaughtered remains of tiny animals, digging his hands in the corpses and pulling out tiny pieces of paper.

Cyprux shouts: Mine! Mine! T3h PreeeeecccioouuuuussssSSss!

Thedeacon (pointing up at the big orange….er) shouts: Hey, wanna throw rocks at the big nutsack on the ceiling with us?

Cyprux pauses and looks up from his dead quarry, hands covered in a mucous-like substance from the guts of his prey

Cyprux (eyes growing wide with horror) shouts: No! you will not have t3h preciouussSSsssss!!!

Cyprux scurries off on all fours through a crack in the cave and disappears from sight.

Thedeacon (picking up a large rock and taking aim): Well, more rocks for us I guess…

Belamorte (holding down Thedeacon’s arm with on tentacle): Deacon, wait. What do you suppose he had in his hands?

Thedeacon: I dunno, wanna throw more rocks?

Belamorte (slapping Thedeacon across his cheek): Stop it, you imbecile! He seemed awfully concerned about us seeing him. What if he had……Phat Lewt ™?

Thedeacon: But….the rocks…

Belamorte: Screw the rocks and listen! How about we kick his ass and take his Phatz?

Thedeacon: Can we throw more rocks later?

Belamorte: /angry Yes, yes! You can throw more of your damned rocks later! Hurry up, he’s getting away!

The four follow Cyprux through the crack in the cave and find themselves once more on an open plain and before them stands a large machine with a swirling blue column of Notum gas that stretches far into the sky. In the center of this all is Cyprux, apparently unaware to Thedeacon and crew’s presence. Cyprux combines his paper fragments with a crystal and places the concoction in a small, oven-like device. To Thedeacon’s astonishment, a baby rhino-like creature materializes and stretches its adorable head to the gentle Scheol breeze, squinting two doll-like eyes against the harsh sun and squeaks adorably at Cyprux, who it thinks is his mommy.

Metaphysical Demon: Awww, isn’t that sweet?

Tumulten: BrrrrrrEEEEE!

Belamorte (wipping a tear from his orifice): The creation of life really is a beautiful thing…I---I

Thedeacon (placing an arm around Belamorte): Belamorte, are you---

Belamorte (choking back another tear): No…I….I have a piece of dust in my orifice…I---Oh Deacon, it’s just so damned beautiful! And to think, we were going to beat the holy hell out of that wonderful man. I feel so---

Thedeacon: Wait, what’s he doing with that knife?

Cyprux gazes fondly at the small creature, which is now snuggling against his leg, and screams “DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE”, and slamming his blade home in the poor critter’s head and casting several nukes until all that’s left is a tiny pile of ashes.

Belamorte shouts: NOOOOOOOOOOO you butcher!

Cyprux looks up, startled, darting his head left and right in terror. Thedeacon, Metaphysical Demon, Belamorte and Tumulten race up to the incinerator. Cyprux quickly casts his own pets and prepares for combat

Cyprux’ pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal, master.

Cyprux’ pet, Belamorte: I’m ready to serve you, master.

Cyprux’ pet, Tumulten: brbBbrrlmph!

Metaphysical Demon (staring at Metaphysical Demon): Woah

Metaphysical Demon: Woah

Belamorte: You’re…

Belamorte: Me!

Tumulten: BrreeEblmrf?

Tumulten: mrfbrrrrRrrBLeeeee!

Tumulten: brrree brrReemf…

Tumulten: Mrf mrf brBlbMbmph?

Belamorte: That’s enough, shut up.

Belamorte: Yeah, what he said.

Metaphysical Demon (staring at Metaphysical Demon): Woah

Metaphysical Demon: Woah

Thedeacon: You’re….

Cyprux: And so are you!

Thedeacon: And they

Cyprux: Sure are!

Belamorte: Is your Metaphysicist an idiot too?

Belamorte: Oh you don’t know the half of it….

Belamorte: I feel your pain, brother.

Thirty minutes and a lengthy explanation later…….

Cyprux: So see, I’m what you’d call a “Pokeboss trainer”

Thedeacon: How do you train them? Do you make them fight other Pokebosses?

Cyprux: Well, not exactly….You see, I haven’t gotten that far yet….I just kill them and dig phat lewt from their large intestines and sell it to n00bs on the forums.

Thedeacon: Is it fun?

Cyprux: Of course it is! I’ve even made my own song (clears his throat)


I want to be the very best, like no one ever was

To kill them is my real test, to loot them is my cause Each Pokeboss to understand, the power that's inside.


Pokeboss, It's you and me, I know it's my destiny

Pokeboss, You're my best stash, let’s make us lots of cash


Pokeboss, I will sell j00, the forums will pull us through.

Spawn for me and I'll kill you, Pokeboss


Gotta loot em' all, Pokeboss

Belamorte: Dude.

Belamorte: Dude.

Thedeacon: Dude…

Metaphysical Demon (staring at Metaphysical Demon): Woah

Metaphysical Demon: Woah

Cyprux combines another blueprint with a Crystal filled by the source and combines it with Subdued Flow of Novictum, making a novictalized crystal and place it inside the oven

Cyprux shouts: Zzark the Battletoad, I choose YOU!

Zzark the Battletoad: Gibble?

>>>Remains of Zzark the Battletoad<<<

Cyprux (handing Thedeacon four pattern pieces, labeled “Aban”, “Bhotaar”, “Chi” and “Dom”): Now you try it!

Thedeacon (looking confused): What do I do with these?

Cyprux: Assemble them….In alphabetical order.

Thedeacon: I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.

Cyprux: Like, A, B, C and D. Combine them in that order.

Thedeacon: Huh?

Cyprux: The alphabet….

Thedeacon: What are you trying to say?

Cyprux: Deacon! What are the first four letters of the alphabet?

Thedeacon: A

Cyprux: Good good, now keep going

Thedeacon: 2…F

Cyprux: No! B!

Thedeacon (swatting his hands in the air): I’m allergic! Belamorte, save me!

Cyprux: Not “bee”, you ninny! ‘B’!

Thedeacon: That is the question….or is it not to ‘b’?

Cyprux: …..

Thedeacon: School is hard. Want to throw rocks at the big orange sack on the cave ceiling instead?

Cyprux: Ooooh sack smack! Lead the way…


back, but not by popular demand and for a limited time only.....

Location: Thedeacon’s NCU

Metaphysical Demon: ……

Belamorte: ……

Metaphysical Demon: ……

Tumulten: ;;;;

Belamorte: ……

Tumulten: “”””””

Belamorte: This really sucks.

Metaphysical Demon: True dat.

Belamorte: I can’t believe I actually MISS The Deacon.

Metaphysical Demon: Say, remember that time----

Belamorte: No, I don’t. It’s been too long to remember much at all. How long has it been?

Metaphysical Demon scratches a mark on the wall with a jagged claw alongside dozens of others and attempts to count them all on his fingers and toes.

Metaphysical Demon: I could go to twenty-two if I were anatomically correct.

Belamorte frowns and scratches the lower part of his orb with a tentacle in confusion

Belamorte: Don’t you mean twenty-one?

Metaphysical Demon: I count my tail when I count

Belamorte: You don’t have a tail, dumbass.

Metaphysical Demon: What???

Metaphysical Demon turns in a circle in an attempt to corroborate Belamorte’s claim, yet finds his buttocks much too fast to get a decent look at. He turns again and sure enough, his elusive buttocks hides once more. He turns a third time and—

Belamorte (delivering a sobering slap to Metaphysical Demon’s left cheek): Stop that you fool! You have no tail! Trust me on this. I’ve spent many hours staring at your buttocks and…..wait, that sounded bad, let me rephrase.

Metaphysical Demon (Placing a concealing hand over his scaly cheeks): Dude!

Belamorte (/nono): Dude!

Metaphysical Demon: Duuuuuude.

Tumulten: BrbBlMrfd00d!!

Belamorte: It’s the pathing, damn you! I always end up behind you.

Metaphysical Demon (giving Belamorte a stern look): All that cursing. You kiss our mother with that mouth?

Belamorte: I don’t have a mother. I’m a semi-artificial nanobots construct.

Metaphysical Demon: Belamorte?

Belamorte: Yes, Metaphysical Demon?

Metaphysical Demon: Where do semi-artificial nanobots constructs come from?

Belamorte gives Metaphysical Demon a fond look and floats to the ground, crossing his tentacles in a seated position

Belamorte: Well you see, when two nanobots are very much in love, they join together. However, we all know that it’s much more fun to have multiple partners, so they call in seventeen million other sexy nanobots and break out the liquor, which leads to----wait…..did you hear that?

Tumulten: BrbmPHfapfap?

Belamorte rotates his orb in a full circle to check the location of the earth-shattering sound

Belamorte: It….it can’t be….not after all this time….

A small pinprick of light can be seen behind the trio, followed by a gush of wind and the sound of nanobots threads coalescing together.

Metaphysical Demon: After all this time…

Tumulten: BrreeEEEeee1!!!!
The light hole grows larger, revealing a familiar snowy landscape

Belamorte (hugging Metaphysical Demon tightly and pulling his single orifice into a wide smile as the light hole grows ever larger and begins to pull them in its direction): It’s happening! It’s really happening! The sphincter is opening and we’re going to be casted once more!

Ten seconds and a whole lot of pushing later…..

Thedeacon: Belamorte!

Belamorte: DEACON!

Thedeacon: Metaphysical Demon!

Metaphysical Demon: DEACON!

Thedeacon: Tumulten!

Tumulten: If you EVER stick me back in your body cavity for two months with those morons again, I’ll personally ensure that the next time you cast me, I’ll grab ahold of your colon on the way out.

Thedeacon, Belamorte and Metaphysical Demon stare astonished at Tumulten

Tumulten (covering his orifice): Oops! I mean: “bRRblMrf!”

Thedeacon: Guys…....we’re back. Now someone help me up. I've got a wicked bad charliehorse from sitting for two months.



How the Martial Artist got be so powerful

Please note that the following story is based on actual and true events. Only the names have been changed to protect those involved.


Funcom : "okay MR martial artist, you can get up off your knees now. Oh, you've got a little---er, on your mouth there. ew."

Martial Artist (wiping his mouth and applying some chapstick): "What, you're not even going to kiss me afterwards?"

Funcom : "Uh, no."

Martial Artist : "Well what about my power? I did a good job, didn't I?"

Funcom (grinning in sheer ecstacy): "Oh yeah, b*tch. you did REAL good. I think this calls for my 'special magic wand' (unzips)"

Martial Artist (feeling his manhood swell as never before): "OMG! This is incredible! you've given me a dragon's living a$$cheek armor, claws, pajamas, boosted our power and gave us a unit that puts Rom Jeremy and John Holmes to shame! Hey waitaminute....what about the metaphysicists? I thought they were supposed to b your b*tches?"

Funcom : "That's the best part. They're now YOU'RE b*tches! Look at that demon hump the corner!!! You know, I hear that demon is good for---er, not like I'd know from personal experience or anything, but... (shoots a knowing wink to the MA, who returns it and /adjusts his new pajamas)"

(the MA and Funcom guy laugh together, fade to black)

the next day.........

Martial Artist : "yeah that's the ticket.....oooh ooooh! Gimme your mokies, b*tch!"

Metaphysicist (mouth full, gagging slightly): "Um, actually they're called---"

Martial Artist : "Shut up b*tch! I don't give a damn what they're called. Get back on your knees and tell me who your daddy is before I smack you up again!"

Metaphysicist (making slurping and smacking noises): You are......daddy...

Fade to black



Tale Of Two Smugglers....a New Story!!!!!!!! Chapter 1 Yo!

This story takes place before the events of the last part of the first story. Hell, it takes place before the first part of the first story as well. Any in game refences to me wearing Waitt Armor will get you promptly shot and huge on meathooks by your buttcheeks. Yeah, we were all mid level at one time and this is how my mid levels went….

But this is an epic story spanning an obscene amount of time and about 60 levels of gameplay.

So stay tuned for the WORST goddamned based on a true story writing you’ll EVER come across as I shamefacedly present:


Present day.......

Dear Ash,
Effective immediately, I am resigning my position as Den Veteran Smuggler and will heretofore be known only as “Veteran Smuggler”.

I consider the working environment in smuggler’s den to be among the worst on Rubi Ka. I joined with you in hopes of smuggling….something….anything…..but for months my day mostly has consisted of walking back and forth down the long hallway and getting senselessly murdered for my clothes every twenty minutes.

Now the walking part I have no problem with. Walking needs to be done. It’s an important job function that I wish to apply to my new job as “Veteran Smuggler”, in which I am hoping to perform the task of walking down the long room with the table in a nondescript Broken Shores building. My time spent with you has, in my own humble opinion, made me one of the most competent long room/hallway walkers I can think of.

But I now find myself with no clothes to wear. I saw my pants on a level 183 Metaphysicist the other day that, I’m rather embarrassed to admit, rocked me like a hurricane. I knew they were mine because upon my death, I both defecated and urinated simultaneously.

The pants had not been washed.

So in addition to my resignation, I bid you fair warning about this level 183 Metaphysicist. Thedeacon is his name, and I would consider it fair to kill him mercilessly in lieu of the “Den Veteran retirement and 401K” package I was promised upon loss of my sanity and employment.


Den Veteran Smuggler XOXOXOXOXO

Ash Anderson: So who is this “Thedeacon” anyway?

Den Veteran Smuggler: Why don’t you ask Helpbot? Really, you don’t pay me to think. I’m just supposed to walk in circles next to this plant here, remember?

/tell Helpbot whois Thedeacon

Ash Anderson: I will know who this “Thedeacon” is within the week.

Den Veteran Smuggler: THIS week? Wow, Helpbot is getting faster!

Ash Anderson: Until then, I want you to walk counterclockwise until you run into that plant. Then just sort of walk in place in front of it for about ten seconds and then walk clockwise. Got it?

Den Veteran Smuggler (looking down and not walking): Right on boss…

Ash Anderson: You can start walking anytime…

Den Veteran Smuggler: Boss?

Ash Anderson (looking annoyed): Yes, Den Veteran Smuggler?

Den Veteran Smuggler: Say, we’re notorious smugglers, right? What exactly is it that we’re supposed to be smuggling? I mean, not that I’m complaining or anything. The pay is good, but I’d really like to smuggle a bit in between walking clockwise and walking counterclockwise.

Ash Anderson: What are you talking about? I smuggle all the time! Why, even now as we speak I’m contemplating my next smuggle.

Den Veteran Smuggler: Oh really? And here I thought you just sat in your dress and watch hardcore pornography all day, while downing more liquor than ten Irishmen.

Ash Anderson (holding a bottle of Hit-The-Floor-Jack whiskey): See this bottle? SMUGGLED. I totally smuggled it. And this is not a dress, it’s an ICC Delegate Cloak, also smuggled. I’m a smuggling fool, baby.

Den Veteran Smuggler: It’s a dress, boss. You just keep calling it a cloak and one day someone will believe you. By the way, you left the pricetag and receipt on your ‘cloak’. “Smuggled” my left NCU chip.

Ash Anderson: I shortchanged the cloak terminal.

Den Veteran Smuggler: Uh huh.

Ash Anderson: Well I strongly considered it…

Eight months ago......

Belamorte: Deacon, you look like a noob, you know that?

Thedeacon: Your begging for a /pet hunt in a high level snake camp, aren’t you? I like my waitt armor and pink shield.

Belamorte: Deacon. I’m your friend here. Your FRIEND. The pink shield (points at the shield with a tentacle), he is not your friend. The pink shield makes ME not want to be your friend. The pink shield makes me want to hold up a sign saying “this man is not my friend”

Thedeacon (holding up his pink shield, confused) mumbles: I like my pretty pink shield…

Metaphysical Demon: Can I add something to that?

Thedeacon: No! I’m pretty upset at you am not quite convinced that you’re my friend either. I mean, you kind of suck. I spent months looking forward to meeting you, expecting this great big bad assed minion of hell and you look like a man in a rubber turkey suit. I could have sworn I saw a zipper at some point….

Metaphysical Demon: Yeah, and I expected an asskicking priest laying some metaphysical smackdown as my master, and I end up with a nanomage with no fashion sense. And a gay looking shield.

Belamorte: right on, Metaphysical Demon! I say we find us a cooler master…(begins floating away)

Metaphysical Demon: Bump to that.

Thedeacon: No wait guys, come back! I can be cool. Give me another chance!

Belamorte (stops and begins floating slowly back to Thedeacon): I’ve heard that line before….

Thedeacon: Listen, I know I’m not perfect. I have a slightly lumpy rear end, my jaw makes this ‘clicking’ noise when I chew and I’m lactose intolerant and get the winds something fierce when I come within ten yards of Bronto Milk. But love is all about accepting each others’ faults and differences and using that bond to bring each other closer…

Belamorte (floating closer to Thedeacon): Oh Deacon…

Thedeacon: Oh Belamorte….

Belamorte (spreading apart his tentacles as if for a warm embrace): Deacon…

Thedeacon (closing his eyes and tilting his head to the side): Belam---

Suddenly Thedeacon’s mouth is filled with a terrible taste of nanobots, Notum and…..something else


Belamorte (looking embarrassed): That was my…er…healing juice. Um.. Commencing the healing process now, master.

Thedeacon: Belamorte, I’m at full health!

Belamorte (lighting up a nanocigarette): Yeah uh-huh. Leave your number on the nightstand and I’ll call you.

Thedeacon: I feel so….used.

Metaphysical Demon: Dude.

Belamorte: Er, well as I was saying sweetie---er, Deacon, have you thought about obtaining Decranum’s Corona MKII armor?

Thedeacon: Decrawhose on 2?

Belamorte: Decranum MK2

Thedeacon: Mkaaay…2 of what?

Belamorte (annoyed): MK2, in Smuggler’s Den

Thedeacon: Who’s smuggler Dan?


Thedeacon: Smuggler’s ten and whose on 2?

Belamorte: MK2!

Thedeacon: Mkay to you too!

Belamorte: I hate being your pet…

Thedeacon: So how do we get into Smuggler’s Ten?

Belamorte: DEN. Smuggler’s DEN. With a ‘D’!

Thedeacon: I’m not sure how a D would help us right now. (eyes light up) Oooooh, unless it’s a magical D!

Belamorte: We need an Adventurer to change you into a bird to get us in the back door of Smugglers….

Thedeacon: Hey! I may have a pink shield and baby blue armor on, but I’m not going in ANY smuggler’s ‘back door’ unless there’s hard liquor and a lot of money involved!

Belamorte: The back door of Smuggler’s Den…the DUNGEON you damned noob!!!

Thedeacon (looks around and spots an attractive blond girl wearing hot pink panties and boots)

Thedeacon: Excuse me miss, would you be able to turn me into a bird so I can fly inside a Smuggler’s back door?

Boglwe: ….

Thedeacon: I say, excuse me miss, can you turn me into a bird?

Boglwe: …..

Metaphysical Demon: Try sending her a tell…

To Boglwe: Excuse me miss

Boglwe: The user is currently AFK

To Boglwe: I beg your pardon?

Boglwe: The user is currently AFK

To Boglwe: All I need is to be turned into a bird

Boglwe: The user is currently AFK

To Boglwe: I’m not asking about the user, I’m asking if you can turn me into a bird!

Boglwe: The user is currently AFK

Belamorte (blowing a thick layer of dust from the top of Boglwe’s head): Er Deacon, I don’t think she’s here….

Thedeacon: What are you talking about? She’s right in front of me!

Belamorte: I know, but I don’t think she’s, you know (makes circling motions above her head)…HERE.

Thedeacon (pokes Boglwe on her cold and rigid arm): Well then, what do you suggest we do?

Belamorte (looking longingly at Boglwe): Oh I’d have some suggestion, but we’re trying to keep our story a bit cleaner this time around…Let’s find another Adventurer…

Thedeacon: Okay, you guys split up and search to the north, I’ll head to the south.

Belamorte: You got it master!

Metaphysical Demon (/salute): We’re on the job!

Thedeacon (smiling as he walks to the south): What good pets I have! I have to be the luckiest Metaphysicist in the world!

Belamorte: Bronto Burger?

Metaphysical Demon (rubbing his belly): Bronto Burrrrrger! You speak my language, new friend! But tell me something….Is he always THAT stupid?

Belamorte: *sigh* wait until you see him fight. You’re gonna want to invest in a paper bag, lest you be shunned by all the other demons.

Metaphysical Demon: Ugh, I had a feeling you were going to say that…But wait a sec, how are we supposed to pay for the burgers? Dumbass didn’t give us any money. He just keeps putting lame things like Summon Grid Armor Instruction Discs in my trade window. They aren’t nearly as tasty as a Bronto Burger…

EDITORIAL NOTE: YEAH THAT F***ING HAPPENED TOO A LONG TIME AGO FFS MOTHER F***ING F*** F***!!! F****************************!!!! F****

Belamorte: Pay? Who said we’re paying for the burgers? You’re a minion of Hell, a force of pure evil, I say we take the burgers and kick the clerk’s ass for even trying to suggest we pay. I gotta say, it’s pretty cool hanging out with a Demon!

Thedeacon comes across an attractive nanomage Adventurer, sitting next to a wall

Thedeacon: Excuse me miss, but—

Kupotek: KUPO-PO-p0-Po-P0-Po-P0!!!!!

Thedeacon: Um. Yeah.

Kupotek: Kupopopopopopo?

Thedeacon: What I need is—

Kupotek: POPOPOPOPOPOOOOO hihhihihihi

Thedeacon: Um, yeah….Listen—

Kupotek: hihihi poPOp0-pO-Po-p0-PO-po-P0!

Thedeacon: ….

Kupotek: ????

Thedeacon: …..

Kupotek: 0.o

Thedeacon: okaylistenwhatineedis---


Kupotek (taking off her boots and putting her tiny gray feet in Thedeacon’s face): HIT THE STREET WITH THE HIPPITY HOPPITY HAPPY FEET!

Thedeacon (going slack jawed in amazement at the tiny wriggling toes): Feet. Your hippity. FEET.

Kupotek (looking frightened as Thedeacon moves in closer): POPO?

Five minutes later in Newland at the Bronto Burger stand….…..

Remains of Metaphysical Demon

Belamorte: Well that guy sucked.


Belamorte (fleeing for the whompah back to Borealis): !!!

Belamorte crashes through the Borealis whompah, knocking over Boglwe in the process. Unwavering and in the same pose, she falls to the ground with a thud. A thick plume of dust rises and a sound akin to metal grating against rusted metal fills Belamorte’s earholes

Boglwe: ….

Belamorte (snapping his tentacles above Boglwe’s face): Whew, still comtatose. No chance for a lawsuit at least.

Belamorte (flying south): Now how am I going to explain that I just killed Deacon’s new pet? He’s sure to be p-----OH MY GOD!


Kupotek (only her right calf is visible, with the rest hidden inside Deacon’s mouth and she is wriggling on the ground to break free): PO! PO! PO-PO!!! PO-PO-PO!!!!!!!!!!!

Thedeacon (spitting Kupotek’s foot out of his mouth after giving the bottom on final lick): Er, um. Hi Belamorte!

Belamorte: DUDE!

Kupotek (crawling away, stunned): POPOPOPO!!!!

Thedeacon: Wait! I need you to cast par---

Kupotek quickly casts Calia’s Form: Parrot on Thedeacon and quickly runs through the south gate, screaming

Thedeacon (in bird form): Suddenly I have a strong urge to eat seeds and take a dump on something. Let’s go, faithful Belamorte and….Where the hell is Metaphysical Demon?


Den Veteran Technician (walking humbly into Ash’s office): Er, hi boss.

Ash Anderson (quickly stashing a bottle of ‘hit the floor jack’ under his desk): Den Veteran Technician, why aren’t you walking down the corridor with Ven Veteran Technician and Den Loot Warden?

Den Veteran Technician: Well sir, you see

Ash Anderson (speech slightly slurred): Out with it man! Out with it!

Den Veteran Technician: That’s just the thing sir. They’re all dead.

Ash Anderson: Dead?

Den Veteran Technician: Dead. Sir, STORM IS INSIDE THE DEN!

Stay tuned for part 2 of this outstandingly awful story, entitled:


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